Holiday Greetings

Season's Beatings, Friends,

On this eve of Christmas Eve I just wanted to wish everyone an awesome Holiday season. But this Merry Christmas wish comes with a dire warning. There have been reports of some fat bastard squeezing down chimneys and rummaging through cupboards looking for half-eaten food stuffs. Some men call him... FATTY CLAWS!!! Dum! Di! Dum! Dum! (That was a dramatic music sting). I like to think of him as... DARK NICK!!! DAA DAA!!

Anywho, this deer abusing, soot covered, freak likes it when children sit on his lap and beg him for free merchandise. Then he gives them candy canes. Sick f@$ker! I wouldn't fool around if I were you. I recommend that you set up a bear trap in your fireplace. When the crimson intruder gets his size 11 clamped in good ol' stainless American steel, blast him in the face with a shot gun before he can gnaw through his leg and escape. I know this sounds harsh, but then you can take his magic bag filled with endless toys and use it to become the most powerful entity in your neighborhood.

Sweet, sweet power! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

Why, Santa? Why didn't I get that G.I. Joe with the Kung-Fu grip?

But I digress... Let's remember what this holiday is really about. It's not about some white-bearded, milk-guzzling, mutant who enslaves elves and forces them to make trinkets in his sub-zero Gulag til their fingers bleed. No. It's about the arrival of our saviour. A man we can all look up to as a shining example of what we can only aspire to be. I speak, of course, of Superman. I think that dead Kryptonian scientist, Jor-El, said it best...

"Even though you have been raised as a human being you are not one of them. They can be a great people, Kal-El, if they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good. I have sent them you, my only son."

Yeah. Superman is groovy (sigh). Big Love and Merry Christmas from your Uncle Johnny!

"And I'd have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"

Johnny D

Worst... Films... EVER!

It's a lot easier to make a "worst film" list than it is to make a "best film" list. So I have limited my list to movies that were not only bad, but that disappointed me deeply at some level. Films I expected better of (because of the directors or the actors or the concept), but which let me down. And so, without further ado, here is my list of the worst, most disappointing films I have ever seen...

WORST MOVIES EVER MADE

*

1) The Passion of the Christ (2004): In making this film, Mel Gibson's assertion seems to be that we are all responsible for the death of Christ, so we should all be punished by watching a nice guy horribly tortured for nearly three hours. Excellent production values can't save this, ugly, vile film which is filled with lurid violence and raciest undertones. For a far superior movie about the life of Jesus Christ, I would recommend Martin Scorsese's controversial 1988 masterpiece, The Last Temptation of the Christ.

2) Batman & Robin (1997): This psychedelic dry-heave of a film brought to us by schlock director Joel Schumacher nearly killed the Bat-franchise and ended comic book movies forever. It also marked a steady decline in the quality of films starring action guru, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Loud, over-packed, over-acted and campy, this movie is devoid of any redeeming value and a slap in the face to fans of the Batman comic books.

3) Highlander II: The Quickening (1991): I loved the original Highlander which came out in 1986, so when I heard that actors Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery were teaming up with director Russell Mulcahy for a sequel, I was excited. When I got to the theater what I got was a convoluted mess that didn't even respect it's own established continuity. But you know what they say... "There can be only one... Good Highlander film."

4) Star Trek V: The Final Frontier/Star Trek: Nemesis (1989, 2002): These are, by far, the two most disappointing movies in the Star Trek canon. They both consisted of ridiculous plots, embarrassing character portrayals and juvenile humor that is, more often than not, at the expense of the characters the fans had grown to know and love.

5) Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999): Apparently George Lucas lost his copy of "Hero With 1,000 Faces" when he made this lackluster prequel to his original Star Wars trilogy. The archetypal character's of the first three films were replaced by boring, two-dimensional, stereotypes; the most insulting of which was the computer generated side-kick, Jar Jar Binks. This savagely annoying character wasted every frame of film he was in (nearly 88 minutes of the movie). On the plus side, this move does have some amazing lightsaber duels and boasts impressive special effects. It's just too bad they are wasted in such a loss of a film.

6) Cursed (2005): I enjoyed the Scream trilogy, and I love werewolves, so when I heard that Scream director Wes Craven and writer Kevin Williamson were re-teaming to make a werewolf flick, I thought that it would be a fun ride. Instead this was a stupid, insipid, waste of a movie with plot holes you could drive a truck through. The acting is bad. The special effects are bad. The writing is really bad. On a side note, two days after I saw Cursed, I got into a serious car accident and broke my arm. So, for me, this movie really was "cursed."

7) Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie (2000): I have played Dungeons & Dragons and I generally enjoy movies in the sword and sorcery genre, so I thought this film might be fun. By the end of the movie, I was left scratching my head and saying, "what the hell just happened?" What had happened was that I had lost about an hour and a half of my life I'll never get back.

8) Showgirls (1995): Who would have thought that a movie with this much gratuitous nudity could be so horrible? 'Nuff said.

9) Planet of the Apes (2001): Normally reliable director, Tim Burton missteps here with this awful re-make of the 1968 classic. Although the special effects are excellent and the acting is decent enough the plot just spirals into incomprehensible nonsense. What seems to have been lost on Burton was that the original Planet of the Apes was a brilliant social satire, not just an exploration of the weird for the sake of being weird.

10) Jersey Girl (2004): I am a huge fan of Kevin Smith and four of his original five films, so I was extremely disappointed to see him make this sappy pile of drivel with an ending that was apparent almost before the movie started running. Where are Jay and Silent Bob when you need them?

My Favorite Films of all Time

Making that list of my favorite comic book flicks got me thinking about my favorite films ever. And now, for no reason whatsoever, here is a list of my top 20 favorite movies ever made (as of December 1st, 2005). I have not included any comic book films, because I love that genre so much that it gets it's own list. Here we go...

MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME

1) The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003): It's hard for me not to think of The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King as one giant super-movie. Director/Co-Writer/Producer Peter Jackson did a brilliant job adapting J.R.R. Tolkien's classic trilogy of novels into an epic film trilogy. Jackson captures Tolkien's voice, themes, and characters but ups the action quotient making this a very enjoyable, layered film going experience.

2) Excalibur (1981): John Boorman takes a realistic, gritty look at the Arthurian legends in this spectacular film filled with excellent performances and layered with symbolism.

3) Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981):Director; Steven Spielberg, writer; George Lucas and actor; Harrison Ford teamed up to redefine the way action movies are made forever. Ford's Indiana Jones is still one of the most endearing characters ever put on film.

4) Jaws (1975): Another early Spielberg masterpiece about three very different men trying to destroy a sea monster. This movie is both highly suspenseful and character driven.

5) King Kong (1933): This early sound film was truly a classic in every way. This beauty and the beast story is still very watchable and poignant, even 72 years later. I can't wait to see what Peter Jackson does with the re-make in a few weeks. It will, no doubt, be superior to the mediocre 1976 re-make.

6) The Empire Strikes Back (1980): The best of the Star Wars movies and a grand Space Opera. This is truly George Lucas at the top of his game. He takes his ideas from Star Wars and expands on them in unexpected and exciting ways. The archetypal characters reach one at the gut level.

7) Star Wars (1977): I can still remember sitting in the movie theatre and watching this movie for the first time. When the giant Star Destroyer crawled across the screen firing on Princess Leia's smaller space ship something in me changed. I was then transformed into a Science Fiction Geek forevermore.

8) Shakespeare in Love (1998): Like one of Shakespeare's plays, this excellent film blends history and fabrication to create the unforgettable tale of two star-crossed lovers. It is a celebration not only of love, but of the theatre.

9) The Terminator (1984):James Cameron's action packed, balls to the wall, love story about a man, a woman, and an unstoppable killing machine.

10) Aliens (1986): James Cameron uses the movie Alien as a jumping off point into this incredibility suspenseful action/Sci-Fi epic about two mad mother's on a collision course.

11) Pulp Fiction (1994): Writer/Director Quentin Tarantino changes the way films are made with this highly original collection of tales about very bad men doing good things.

12) Fight Club (1999): David Fincher's brilliant, dark, social satire about men pushed to the edge by our consumer society.

13) The Matrix (1999): Larry and Andy Wachowski blend cyber-punk fiction, kung-fu action and zen philosophy into this highly watchable, visually stunning picture.

14) 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968): Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke team up to create one of the best pure Science Fiction movies ever made.

15) Tombstone (1993): Epic retelling of the story of the gunfight outside of the O.K. Corral and it's bloody aftermath.

16) The Shawshank Redemption (1994): This is that rarest of films, a prison story with an uplifting ending.

17) Kill Bill Volume 1 & 2 (2003-2004): Like the Lord of the Rings, I have to think of these two movies as one giant, super-film. This is Quentin Tarantino's highly enjoyable homage to kung-fu, spaghetti westerns and bloody revenge films of the 70s.

18) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000): Two touching love stories are couched in a Martial Arts action flick.

19) The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly (1966): A great spaghetti western and the best of Sergio Leone's "Man With No Name" trilogy.

20) An American Werewolf in London (1981): A film that works as well as a comedy as it does as a horror movie.

The Greatest Comic Book Films Of All Time! (So Far)

THE GREATEST COMIC BOOK FILMS OF ALL TIME! (So Far)

1) Spider-Man/Spider-Man 2 (2002, 2004): Spidey has always been my favorite comic book character, and Sam Raimi certainly captures the essence of the old Stan Lee comics in these wonderful films. Toby Maguire really adds depth and pathos to his portrayal of Peter Parker AKA Spider-Man.

2) Batman Begins (2005): This is the first live-action Batman film to be worthy of the complex comic book character. Director; Christopher Nolan, writer; David S. Goyer and lead actor; Christian Bale do a magnificent job creating the dark world of Bruce Wayne and his even darker alter ego.

3) Hellboy (2004): When I first read Mike Mignola's Hellboy comic I didn't think it could ever be put on the big screen, but not only does director Guillermo del Toro succeed in capturing what makes the comic great on film, he improves on the source material.

4) Conan the Barbarian (1982): I know that it could be argued that Conan got his start in the Robert E. Howard pulp novels and magazines, but I was first introduced to the Cimmerian Barbarian in the Marvel Comics of the 70s, so in the back of my mind I always think of him as a comic book character. This film captures everything that is great about Conan, perhaps the best sword and sorcery pulp character ever created.

5) Superman/Superman 2 (1978, 1980): These still stand up as some of the greatest comic book films of all time, thanks, in no small part, to Christopher Reeve who inhabited the character of Kal-El/Clark Kent/Superman like no other actor could. I did believe a man could fly.

6) The Incredibles (2004): This is the film last summer's lackluster Fantastic Four should have been. A movie about a family of super-heroes with heart. This is my favorite Pixor film so far, and that is saying something.

7) X2: X-Men United (2003): Bryan Singer does a splendid job of balancing several interesting characters and plot lines in this action-packed adaptation of the Marvel Comics world of Mutants. I can't wait to see what he does with Superman Returns, next summer.

8) Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993): This animated Batman film comes the closest to the spirit of the D.C. Comics source material. I'd also highly recommend Batman: The Animated Series, which this movie was spawned from.

9) Frank Miller's Sin City (2005): To adapt this crime comic to the big screen, Robert Rodriguez literally used Frank Miller's comic art as story boards and replicated his scripts word for word creating the most faithful adaptation of a comic work thus far.

10) Unbreakable (2000): In this remarkable film, M. Night Shyamalan takes the basic rules of comic books and plants them in the real world, showing us how super-heroes and villains might behave if they escaped from their four color universes.

Honorable Mention:

11) The Iron Giant (1999): Another great animated movie where, like in Hellboy, the hero fights what he was created to be to become something greater.

12) Robocop (1987): Paul Verhoeven's awesome, over the top, film about a dark future and the cyborg super-cop trying to make things right.

13) The Crow (1994): An excellent adaptation of the James O'Barr comic book. Only marred by the fact that it is Brandon Lee's last performance.

14) Darkman (1990): Sam Raimi's first foray into super-hero films. Well, maybe his second (see Evil Dead 2).

15) Blade/Blade II (1998, 2002): Another example of the movies improving on the comic book source material with great scripts by David S. Goyer and a strong lead performance by Wesley Snipes.

16) Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987): Some may argue that this is a horror movie, or even a horror comedy, but to my mind it's a super-hero origin film. Ash rocks!

*

17) Batman (1989): I do have to give props to Tim Burton for his first Bat-flick. The production design is awe-inspiring and actor Michael Keaton gives a much stronger performance as the Dark Knight than anyone gave him credit for. But it is Jack Nicholson's bizarre, over-the-top, take on the Joker that steals the show. Let's face it, the movie should have been called, the Joker. It's just too bad that the plot falls apart in the last half hour.

*

18) X-Men (2000): While Bryan Singer's first go at an X-Men film isn't perfect, it is none the less a very enjoyable picture with some excellent acting and direction amid sub-par special effects. As with Tim Burton's Batman, the story falls apart in the third act.

*

19) The Rocketeer (1991): Highly enjoyable adaptation of the Dave Stevens graphic novel. Bill Campbell makes an excellent protagonist and Jennifer Connelly has never looked better.

Ten Kick-Ass Comic Book Characters

Anyone who knows me know how much I love fictional characters. Below is a list I have compiled of 10 of the greatest tough-guy, grim-and-gritty, take-no-prisoners, characters currently appearing in comic books. They all have a kind of pulp fiction vibe and if you are not reading their books, I would recoment that you seek them out.

And now, without further ado, here is the list of the characters in no particular order...

1) John Gaunt AKA GrimJack (IDW): This character is a great fusion of Sam Spade and Conan the Barbarian and he resides in the cool pan-dimensional city of Cynosure.

"When they come to me, they're in trouble, or they want some. I bust people out of prison, hunt down vampires, fight alien Gods--All the fun jobs people are too squeamish or too polite to do themselves. Call me a mercenary. Call me an assassin. Call me villain. I am all that and more. My name's John Gaunt, but out on the streets of Cynosure, I am called... GrimJack."
--GrimJack, (Vol 1) #1 (Comic Book), John Ostrander

2) Hellboy (Dark Horse): The worlds greatest paranormal investigator (and by "paranormal investigator" I mean that he beats the holy bejesus out of paranormal stuff).

"I never deal with what I am. I don't think about it. I just do my job, which usually involves me beating the crap out of things a lot like me.
--Hellboy, The Right Hand of Doom (Trade Paperback), Mike Mignola

3) The Goon (Dark Horse): He routinely beats the crap out of zombies and monsters with his fists. If there are too many of them, he grabs a wrench.

"The nameless man, the zombie priest, had come to town to build a gang from the undead. But even the undead fear... The Goon."
--The Goon, Rough Stuff (Trade Paperback), Eric Powell

4) Conan the Cimmerian (Dark Horse): As a child, he tore out a wolf's throat with his teeth. Nuff said.

"Between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities... there was an Age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars... Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand... to tread the jeweled thrones of the earth under his sandalled feet."
--The Coming of Conan, the Cimmerian (Novel), Robert E. Howard

5) Red Sonja: the She Devil With a Sword (Dynamite Entertainment): This chick slaughters her enemies wearing a chain mail bikini. That makes her one tough broad in my book.

"Know also, O'prince, that in the selfsame days that the Cimmerian did stalk the Hyborian Kingdoms, one of the few swords worthy to cross with his was that of Red Sonja, warror-woman out of mystic Hyrkania. Forced to flee her homeland because she spurned the advances of the a king and slew him instead. She rode west across the Turanian steppes and into the shadowed mists of legendry."
--Red Sonja, the She Devil With a Sword, #0 (Comic Book), Michael Avon Oeming & Mike Carey

6) Snake-Eyes (Dynamite Entertainment): From the pages of G.I. Joe this silent ninja is the badest bad-ass in a battalion of bad-asses.

" ... "
--Just about any issue of G.I. Joe.

7) Cal McDonald (IDW): This foul-mouthed, alcoholic, drug addict is also a hard boiled L.A. detective who screws with the supernatural daily.

"Cal McDonald has made a career helping and hunting the dark creatures that haunt the world and has made as many friends as he has enemies. Among the docile ghouls of the city he is a friend. But to most, those who prey on innocent human lives, Cal is a sworn enemy."
--Savage Membrane: A Cal McDonald Mystery (Novel), Steve Niles

8) Doc Frankenstein (Burlyman): The wonderful premise of this comic book is, what if Dr. Frankenstein's creature survived into modern times to become a Doc Savage-like pulp hero.

"I, the miserable and the abandoned, am an abortion, to be spurned at, kicked at, and trampled on."
--Frankenstein Or, The Modern Prometheus (Novel), Mary Shelley

9) Frank Castle AKA the Punisher (Marvel): No super powers. No fancy, high-tech gadgets. Just guns, guts and an endless pit of rage.

“Been walking the streets all night. But the city's dead. Times Square is filled with tourists. The park is filled with cops. Not five years back I could've gone to either and been up to my eyes in scum. Tonight I may as well have stayed home.....Giuliani's got a lot to answer for."
-- Punisher, (Vol. 3) #5 (Comic Book), Garth Ennis

10) Jonah Hex (DC): This hatchet-scared, ex-confederate, western bounty hunter makes Clint Eastwood look like a pansy.

"Twilight faded when the desert finally went silent…In full light of the moon, James Ronnie’s face showed all the contortions of a coward who has lost the resolve to continue masking his fear. And yet, he still clung to hope…like a drowning man with a fistful of straw. The irony stood marked by the fact that it was James Ronnie’s guns that aligned with Hex on the side of justice earlier that night. But as any man, woman, or child knows, he had no friends, this Jonah Hex…but he did have two companions……one was death itself……and the other, the acrid smell of gunsmoke."
--Jonah Hex, #1 (Comic Book), Justin Gray & Jimmy Palmiotti

There you go! What do you think? I was going to put down the Batman and Wolverine, but then I thought that they get enough exposure.

--Johnny D. (Anti-Hero)

Science Lesson Comic Script

Recently I was given to opportunity to write a sample comic book script for Purun New York Inc., who were looking for freelance comic book writers to do science, social studies, and math comic book strips for 3rd and 4th graders. I opted to write a sample science strip. Unfortunately, the company wanted to go with someone with a public school teaching background. They wanted someone with more knowledge of the science standards and NYC science curriculum. But I wrote a cool script and I see no reason why it should go unprinted. So here it is...

***

Science Lesson--Grade 3-4
What are Living Things?

Key Words:

Organism – (n) a living person, animal, or plant

Nutrient - (n) 1. of food; nourishing 2. nutritive substance or ingredient.

Inorganic - (adj) 1. being composed of matter of other than plant or animal origin : 2. MINERAL

Organic – (adj) 1. of, relating to, or arising in a bodily organ 2. ORGANIZED 3. of, relating to, or derived from living things.

PANEL 1.
(We are in a laboratory. In the background we see beakers, Bunsen burners, etc. In the foreground we see a man with horn rimmed glasses wearing a rumpled lab coat and a towheaded girl blowing a pink bubble-gum bubble and wearing a backwards baseball cap. The man addresses the readers).

Man: Welcome friends! I am Dr. Science and this is my assistant, Hannah Banana. Together we unlock the mysteries of science.

Girl: Yo

PANEL 2.
(Suddenly, a clunky looking robot that might have escaped from a 1950s Buck Rogers serial comes smashing through the wall of the lab. He has lobster like metal pincers for hands and a glass bubble dome for a head. Through the glass head we can see cogs and vacuum tubes. Dr. Science and Hannah cringe in shock and surprise).

Robot: I am Tobor the living robot! Halt or be destroyed!

Dr. Science: Newton’s apple!

Hannah: Yikes!

PANEL 3.
(Tobor is waving his mechanical pincers in a menacing fashion. The good doctor and Hannah have composed themselves somewhat and are facing their guest).

Tobor: Now humans, cower before a superior life form, or face the fury of Tobor the living robot! (buzzzzzzz) BWA-HA-HA!!!

Hannah: Hey, who does this goon think he is?

Dr Science: Indeed. How can you call yourself a living robot? That’s just silly.

PANEL 4.
(Tobor is now scratching his bubble like head in confusion. Dr. Science has placed a fatherly arm around his metal shoulders. Hannah is opening a door in the lab which leads to a lush, green, park outside).

Tobor: Tobor... Is not alive?

Dr. Science: Ha ha ha... Of course not. Follow me outside and I’ll explain.

Hannah: Lets use the door this time.

PANEL 5.
(The three are not outside, standing by a pond in the park. It is a sunny day and there are trees in the background. We see birds and dragonflies in the sky, fish and frogs in the pond and a cat is licking her paws under one of the trees).

Dr Science: There are certain things that all organisms have in common.

Tobor: Organisms?

Hannah: That’s just another way of saying "living things."

PANEL 6.
(Dr. Science is now gesturing towards the pond where we can see a mother duck and several of her ducklings swimming in the water along with the frogs and fish. One of the frogs is sitting on a lily pad catching a dragonfly with it’s tongue. In the background, we can see that the cat is now standing in a litter box with her tail up).

Dr. Science: Organisms, like animals, need air, water and food in order to live and thrive.

Hannah: Living things also have babies, produce waste and eventually die.

Tobor: Then Tobor is not a living thing? Tobor is like a tree?

PANEL 7.
(Now the three are standing by a tree. Flowers grow at their feet).

Dr Science: Wrong again, my metal friend. Plants are organic, which means living.

Hannah: Plants need air, water, light and nutrients in order to live. Nutrient is another way of saying "food," by the way.

Tobor: Tobor is so confused. What is Tobor?

PANEL 8.
(The three are still outside, but now they are standing in front of a table. On the table is a rock, a glass of water, a baseball bat, and a toaster).

Dr. Science: You, my friend, are inorganic, or non-living. Inorganic things do not live and thrive. They can be naturally occurring like this rock and water.

Hannah: Or human-created, like the baseball bat and the toaster.

Tobor: Tobor is a toaster?!

PANEL 9.
(Tobor is now standing between Hannah and Dr. Science. Smoke is shooting out of what passes for his ears and sparks are shooting out of his head like a tiny fireworks display).

Hannah: Yeah, you’re more like a toaster than a man. Now you’ve got it, rusty!

Tobor: (choke) Tobor is not alive. Tobor is just a machine. Activate self-destruct device in 5... 4... 3...

Dr. Science: Well, we’ve all had a lot of fun today and I’d like to think we’ve learned a little something along the way. Now lets get out of here before this crazy robot explodes!

Sources: http://www.emsc.nysed.gov/ciai October 15, 2005

This is an original John Michael Decker comic book script. Please be aware that this is copyrighted material and not to be used for sale or publication without my express written permission.

=====

"And I'd have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"

John Michael Decker

New Sci-Fi/Fantasy Shows Reviewed (Spoiler Free)

Well, now that I've had the chance to watch all of the new Sci-Fi/Fantasy television Pilots for the 2005/2006 season, it's time I put in my two cents worth.

SURFACE (Timeslot: Mondays at 8PM on NBC)

Review: I only watched the Pilot episode of this show, but I must admit that it just didn't capture my attention. The premise is interesting enough in theory, but in execution, it was just too slow to invest me. It didn't help that the characters are not at at all engaging. I've decided to give this series a miss in favor of Arrested Development and Kitchen Confidential, two excellent comedies on in the same time slot on FOX.

Surface Grade: C-

THE GHOST WHISPERER (Timeslot: Fridays at 8PM on CBS)

Review: The two shows that this will be compared to the most are Joan of Arcadia, the show it has replaced, and Medium, the NBC show with a similar premise. Unfortunately this does not hold up well to either of those shows. It lacks the emotional complexity of Joan of Arcadia and is not grounded in realism the way Medium is. What we are left with is a sappy hour of overly optimistic drivel. Jennifer Love Hewitt is hot though.

The Ghost Whisperer Grade: D-

INVASION (Timeslot: Wednesday at 10PM on ABC)

Review: Yet another extra-terrestrial invasion series. This is only slightly more engaging than Surface. The characters are a little more interesting as well (especially William Fichtner who plays the morally ambiguous town sheriff, Tom Underlay). The Pilot was very exciting, but subsequent episodes have been rather dull. The mysteries are also not interesting enough to keep me coming back week after week. This is a poor companion show to Lost which keeps you coming back week after week with it's combination of excellent characterization and amazing cliff hangers.

Invasion Grade: C+

THRESHOLD (Timeslot: Fridays at 9PM on CBS)

Review: This show has been a real mixed bag. Like the other alien invasion shows, the mysteries that we are presented with week after week just aren't that exciting. On Lost and Veronica Mars, each week the audience is presented with mind blowing puzzles which grab the viewer by the throat and force them to return the next week. Threshold and Invasion just have half-assed Invasion of the Body Snatchers mysteries. Brent Spiner (as Dr. Nigel Fenway), Rob Benedict (as Dr. Lucas Pegg) and Peter Dinklage (as Dr. Arthur Ramsey) are all uniformly excellent and the show comes alive when they are on screen interacting with each other. On the other hand Carla Gugino (as Dr. Molly Caffrey), Charles S. Dutton (as J.T. Baylock) and Brian Van Holt (as Cavennaugh) all have pretty two dimensional, cookie-cutter characters who have failed to capture my interest. Perhaps, given time, they could become more engaging, but the alien invasion plot just isn't good enough for me to give it the time.

Threshold Grade: C+

SUPERNATURAL (Timeslot: Tuesdays at 9PM on The WB)

Review: This is a very fun, if somewhat formulaic, hour of television. Every week the Winchester boys (Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles) drive into a new town in their 1968 Chevy Impala, take on some new supernatural threat (usually with some kind of original twist), one of them gets to kiss a hot chick, and then, like a couple of young Lone Rangers, they drive off towards some new adventure. The acting and production values are very good, and if they could find a way to change up the "monster of the week" formula, it could go from being just good to great. But then, the first season of Buffy: the Vampire Slayer was just a "monster of the week" show, and it eventually evolved into something greater and more unique. This comes closer to the spirit of the 70s "monster of the week" extravaganza Kolchak: the Night Stalker, then the new Night Stalker television show does, but see the next review.

Supernatural Grade: B+

THE NIGHT STALKER (Timeslot: Thursdays at 9PM on ABC)

Review: The show reminds me much more of the X-Files than it does of the original Night Stalker series. This is not surprising considering the show runner is former X-Files producer Frank Spotnitz. Unfortunately, it is not as good as the X-Files was. Nor is it as fun as the original Night Stalker. Stuart Townsend just isn't as good a character actor as Darren McGavin was. But then, Stuart Townsend's Carl Kolchak is closer to the X-Files' Fox Mulder than to Darren McGavin's Kolchak. But at least Agent Mulder had a sense of humor. Townsend's dour Kolchak is so much of a downer, it's hard to get on his side. Still, the second episode was better than the pilot. Both episodes I've seen did have some genuinely spooky moments and if Townsend can lighten up a little to counter the darkness of the plots, this could be a very watchable show. I'm giving it a few more episodes before I decide weather or not I'm going to continue watching.

The Night Stalker Grade: C

Anyway, for my money the best shows to watch this season are Lost (ABC), Veronica Mars (UPN), (the new) Battlestar Galactica (Sci-Fi Network), Gilmore Girls (the WB) and Justice League Unlimited (Cartoon Network). That's all for now...

Decker out...

Several Haikus

Ode to Mike Mignola

(Creator of Hellboy)

Risen from dark flame

To battle the Nazi hoard

Hellboy rules all life

***

Internet Blues

Computer's harsh glow

Contemplating my future

Future glows harshly

***

Drivin' to Florida

Sweating my ass off

Freon makes the car run cool

Zues; send me FREON!

***

Lesson

Little towhead girl

Reaches towards the kitty cat

Slashing claws draw blood

***

Spam for Breakfast

Sliding from it's tin

I masticate my fake meat

Gelatinous ooze

***

Hell in a Hand Basket

Double U must fall

Else all we hold dear is lost

The earth dies screaming

***

Doomed

The end times are nigh

A moron usurps the throne

George Bush chaps my ass

***

Red State Blues

The world is not right

Up is down and black is white

Republicans bite

***

America the Shell-Shocked

Spineless donkeys watch

Elephants rape the eagle

Democracy fails

***

Regeneration

Mother Earth strikes back

Destroying the human plague

Roaches get their shot

***

Crash

Gray clouds fill the sky

Rain dapples the pavement black

Skidding towards a tree

***

These poems are copyrighted by John Michael Decker. Any publication or sale of this work without the authors express written permission is forbidden.
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"And I'd have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"
John Michael Decker

The Bird

Long ago, on a mountain in Tibet, there was a tiny village. Within the village there was a humble cottage. In the cottage there dwelled a venerable old man. The aged man had lived in the cottage for as long as anyone in the village could remember. He rarely left the sanctuary of his home, but he received many visitors. It was reputed that the old man was the wisest person in Tibet, and for this reason many pilgrims sought his sage advice. It was said that the elderly man's counsel was both ingenious and fair and in the years that he resided in that cottage he solved many a conflict and answered many questions, both practical and metaphysical.

But as the old man's reputation grew, so did the number of people who sought him, not for advice, but for the chance to prove him wrong. To confound him with unsolvable intellectual riddles and conundrums and in doing so prove themselves his superior. And for as long as anyone could remember, the old man's logical and sagacious mind always won the day, solving any puzzles that were put before him and doing it in such a way that none could dispute his enlightened wisdom.

One day a prideful and clever youth entered the old man's cottage. Clutched between the young man's hands was a tiny object that none could see. The young one bowed before the ancient and he spoke these words, "I have in my hands a small bird. I put it to you, old man; is this bird dead or is it alive?"

Right away the old one saw the ingenious trap that the callow youth had set for him. If he responded that the bird was alive, the young man would crush it in his hands and the old one would be proven wrong. However, if he stated that the bird was dead, the youngling would open his hands releasing a bird that was very much alive, and again, the old man would be proven false.

The elderly man carefully considered his response and after a time he spoke, "The answer, my son, is in your hands."

This fable was originally conveyed to me by my friend Jerry McKinney at the Hebron Camp and Conference Center in the early 90s.

More Theoretical DC Comics Super Teams

So DC Comics used to have a team of World War II heroes called the Losers (first appearance G.I. COMBAT #138-1969) which consisted of Allied soldiers who had all suffered serious failures during their military careers. So I was thinking, what if you had to put together a modern team of DC super-heroes and call them the Losers? What horrible Morts would you pull out of the DC pantheon to create such a team? Here's what I came up with...

THE NEW LOSERS:

1) Irwin Schwab AKA Ambush Bug
First Appearence DC COMICS PRESENTS #52 (July 1983)
Besides teleportation, his main power was being super annoying.
2) G'Nort AKA Green Lantern
First Appearence JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL #10 (February 1988)
He got the Green Lantern gig because his uncle pulled some strings with the Guardians of the Universe.
3) Paco Romone AKA Vibe
First Appearance JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA (1st series) ANNUAL #2 (November 1984)
A super heroic break dancer. Nuff said.
4) Richard Raleigh AKA Red Bee
First Appearance HIT COMICS #1 (July 1940)
This dork trained bees to help him in his war on crime.
5) Tin the Metal Man
First Appearance SHOWCASE #37 (April 1967)
He's a robot made out of tin. Not very scary.
6) Rex the Wonder Dog
First Appearance THE ADVENTURES OF REX. THE WONDER DOG #1 (February 1952)
A dog who can speak to the other animals. He might be fun on Letterman.
7) Willie Walker AKA Black Racer
First Appearnce NEW GODS #3 (July 1971)
This aspect of death dresses like a combination between a medieval knight and an Olympic skier. Just weird.

Now, for my next theoretical exercise, I have tried to imagine what it would be like if the great Marvel Comics team, the Fantastic Four (first appearence FANTASTIC FOUR #1-1961), were created within the DC Universe. You would need a brain, a freak of nature, a babe, and a hot headed kid. Here is who I would pick for my DC Fantastic Four.

THE NEW FANTASTIC FOUR:

1) Ray Palmer AKA the Adam (Reed Richards)
First Appearence SHOWCASE #34 (October 1961)
2) Rex Mason AKA Metamorpho (Ben Grimm)
First Appearence THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD #57 (December 1964)
3) Dinah Lance AKA Black Canary (Sue Richards)
First Appearence JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA #75 (November 1969)
4) Ronnie Raymond AKA Firestorm (Johnny Storm)
First Appearence FIRESTORM #1 (March 1978)

In the 70s, Marvel put out an interesting comic book featuring an LA based team of super heroes called, the Champions. I really dug the different character dynamics and personalities and so I have decided to created a counterpart team of Champions using characters from the DC Pantheon...

THE NEW CHAMPIONS:

1) Helena Bertinelli AKA the Huntress (Black Widow)
First Appearance THE HUNTRESS # 1 (April 1989)
The team needs a bad ass chick with no natural super powers.
2) Billy Batson AKA Captain Marvel (Hercules)
First Appearance WHIZ COMICS #1 (February 1940)
To find someone to replace Marvel's Hercules, I chose a DC character with the power of Hercules (among others).
3) Norda Cantrell AKA Northwind (Angel)
First Appearance ALL-STAR SQUADRON #25
The Champions wouldn't be the Champions without a winged dude.
4) Cameron Mahkent AKA Icicle II (Iceman)
First Appearance INFINITY, INC #34 (January 34)
He's a mutant with the power to freeze stuff. Perfect replacement for Bobby Drake.
5) Jim Corrigan AKA the Specter (Ghost Rider)
First Appearance MORE FUN COMICS #52 (February 1940)
I figured the team needed an unstoppable engine of vengeance.
6) Eve Eden AKA Nightshade (Darkstar)
First Appearance CAPTAIN ADAM #82 (1966)
Nightshade and Darkstar have powers so similar they may as well be twins.
7) Jefferson Pierce AKA Black Lightning (Black Goliath)
First Appearance BLACK LIGHTNING #1 (April 1977)
They need a classy reserve member who provides some street cred.

And now, for no additional charge, I offer you an original cool team. My theme is a team of time traveling bounty hunters put together by Rip Hunter to track down villains messing with the time continuum. I present for your amusement and edification...

THE TIME HUNTERS:

1) Rip Hunter, Time Master
First Appearance SHOWCASE #20 (June 1959)
The team leader and mastermind behind this group of heroes. This team could not exist without Rip's Time-Sphere.
2) Jonah Hex
First Appearance ALL-STAR WESTERN TALES #10 (March 1972)
The best bounty hunter in any time and experienced in time travel.
3) Bright Sky After Storm AKA Arak Red-Hand, Son of Thunder
First Appearance WARLORD #48 (August 1981)
A mighty combatant and shaman. The teams warrior/priest.
4) Sergeant Frank Rock
First Appearance OUR ARMY AT WAR #81 (April 1959)
The teams tactician and field leader.
5) Buddy Blank AKA OMAC (One Man Army Corps)
First Appearance OMAC #1 (1974)
The groups power house.
6) Immortal Man
First Appearance STRANGE ADVENTURES #177 (June 1965)
As a being who is continuously reincarnated, the Immortal Man doesn't travel with the rest of the team in the Time Sphere, but meets with them in his various incarnations throughout time, acting as a temporal liaison to the others.
7) Kamandi, Last Boy on Earth
First Appearance KAMANDI #1 (November 1972)
Resourceful team mascot.

I think I've indulged the geek side of my brain enough for today.

Johnny D (Comic Book Aficionado)

Katrina Exposes Failure of Administration

Below is a copy of a letter I e-mailed to the Post Star yesterday. I think it speaks for itself...

Editor,

In a post 9/11 world one would think that the United States would be better prepared for a national crisis. Hurricane Katrina has demonstrated that we are not prepared at all. It took almost one week for FEMA and the National Guard to respond to the thousands of Americans stranded in New Orleans. One week. American citizens. Stranded without food or water or medical supplies. For one week!

I still have trouble wrapping my head around this. This painfully slow response to a national crisis is unacceptable and the people responsible need to be called to account. Perhaps if our military choppers and National Guard were at home and not in Iraq, we could have responded more promptly. Perhaps if our president had not lied to us about WMDs and involved us in the mess in Iraq, we might have been able to get help where and when it was needed. Maybe if this administration had listened to the scientific community when they warned the government about the effects of global warming, they might have better prepared the country for a catastrophe of this magnitude.

But not everybody in America is suffering. Big oil companies have reported record profits. Say, isn't the war in Iraq about oil? No, that's preposterous. It's about revenge for the attacks against us on 9/11/2001. No wait, it wasn't Iraq who bombed us. I guess it is about oil, George W. Bush being a former oil man and all. I'll bet his rich cronies in the oil business are pretty happy with the president's performance during this latest crisis. At least the ones who don't have family in New Orleans.

George W. Bush and his administration have failed the country at every level. And before you think this letter is just about Republican bashing, I feel that the Democrats have failed us as well. If the Democratic Party had found a spine and opposed the Republicans the way they should have over the past eight years, the world would not be in the mess it is today. I'll say one thing for the Republicans, at least they have a clear message (even if it is a selfish and fearful one).

John Michael Decker

Queensbury, New York

The New Outsiders

I've been giving a lot of thought to the DC comic book, The Outsiders featuring Nightwing, Arsenal, Jade, Thunder, Grace, Indigo, Shift and Starfire. It occurs to me that most of these character's (with the exception of Shift) are not outsiders at all. They are gorgeous, athletic, and super powered paragons. If I were to create a team of heroes who called themselves "the Outsiders," then I would pick characters from the DC pantheon who are truly forced to live "outside" of normal human society. Here is the team that I think would truly deserve the title, Outsiders...

1) Cliff Steele AKA Robotman
First Appearance: MY GREATEST ADVENTURE #80 (June 1963)
2) Mitch Shelley AKA Resurrection Man
First Appearence: RESURRECTION MAN #1 (March 1997)
3) Zauriel the Guardian Angel
First Appearence: JLA #6 (June 1997)
4) Jason Blood/Etrigan AKA the Demon
First Appearence: DEMON #1 (September 1972)
5) Bostan Brand AKA Deadman
First Appearence: STRANGE ADVENTURES #205 (September 1967)
6) Daniel Cassidy AKA Blue Devil
First Appearence: FURY OF FIRESTORM #24 (June 1984)
7) Urania "Rainie" Blackwell AKA Element Girl
First Appearence: METAMORPHO #10 (February 1967)

So we have a cyborg, an immortal, an angel, a demon, a ghost, a devil and a science freak. Now that is what I would call a group of "Outsiders."

Johnny D. (honorary Outsider's mascot)

New Sci-Fi/Fantasy Television

It's September and the new television season is upon us. This year there are no less than six new Sci-Fi/Fantasy television series being offered to us by the major networks. Every year I am always hoping for some originality from my favorite genre of television. Hoping to discover a gem of a show like Firefly (foolishly canceled by FOX after only 11 episodes aired). Here is a list of the new shows and my take on them.

SURFACE (Originally this series was going to be called Fathom)

Premise: An extra-terrestrial invasion from a new sub-aquatic life-form begins, and average earth folks have to figure out what is going on.

Timeslot: Mondays at 8PM on NBC.

Lowdown: I don't know about this one. The idea of an invation from beneath the waves rather than space is original, but advanced buzz is not good. The early preview in Dreamwatch magazine only gave the Pilot a 4 out of 10. I'm also getting unfortunate flashbacks to the dreadful NBC crap-fest known as seaQuest DSV. I will probably watch the first episode, but if it does not grab me I will give this one a miss.

THE GHOST WHISPERER

Premise: Melinda Gordon (Jennifer Love Hewitt), a young, newly-married woman with the ability to communicate with the dead, uses her power to help her fellow man. Awwww...

Timeslot: Fridays at 8PM on CBS.

Lowdown: First the negative; this sounds like a blatant rip-off of the NBC show Medium (Monday nights at 10PM). Further, this is the show that is replacing Joan of Arcadia (which was unique and interesting and canceled before it's time). That alone pisses me off and makes me want to boycott it. Where Joan of Arcadia was challenging and did not provide easy answers to the audience, Ghost Whisperer looks to be cloying and saccharine. Now, to the fair, the positive... Hmmm. Well Jennifer Love Hewitt does have a tremendous rack... Yeah, I may just skip this one.

INVASION

Premise: An extra-terrestrial invasion in the wake of a hurricane, as the residents of a small town in the Florida Everglades deal with the weirdness. Yow. That's too close for comfort considering the havic wrought by hurricane Katrina.

Timeslot: Wednesday at 10PM on ABC.

Lowdown: I have not heard much buzz about this show one way or the other, however, it is produced by Shaun Cassidy who created such cool shows at American Gothic and Roar. Both of which were cool as hell but got canceled before they even had a chance. This alone makes me want to check it out. Also, this show looks to be an excellent companion piece to the wonderful Lost (Wednesday at 9PM on ABC).

THRESHOLD

Premise: When an extra-terrestrial craft is discovered in the Atlantic Ocean a team of experts, headed by Dr. Molly Caffrey (Carla Gugino), is assembled to analyze the intention of the craft and help prepare for an alien invasion. Hey, is it just me or are the plots of many of these shows starting to sound annoyingly familiar?

Timeslot: Fridays at 9PM on CBS.

Lowdown: This show has very good advanced buzz. One of the shows producers is David Goyer (the Blade Trilogy and Batman Begins) and Brent Spiner (Data of Star Trek: the Next Generation) plays Nigel Fenway, one of the scientists assigned to Operation: Threshold. I'm also a fan or Carla Gugino (last seen in Sin City). The premise isn't very inspired (three invasion shows this season), but the cast and creative people are very interesting, so I might just give this one a couple of episodes before I figure out if I want to watch it or not.

SUPERNATURAL

Premise: Sam and Dean Winchester (Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles) embark on a road trip around America, confronting ghosts and creatures out of folklore and urban legends as they try to locate their missing father.

Timeslot: Tuesdays at 9PM on The WB.

Lowdown: This show has excellent advanced buzz. Dreamwatch magazine gave it a 9 out of 10 in their advanced review of the Pilot. It is supposed to be genuinely unsettling and scary. I like the idea of two guys in a beat up 1968 Chevy Impala driveing from town to town confronting the supernatural and kicking it's ass. It's sort of like the X-Files meets Route 66. I think this show will be really cool.

THE NIGHT STALKER

Premise: Hard-boiled journalist, Carl Kolchak (Stuart Townsend) and his side-kick, Perri Reed (Gabrielle Union) embark on investigations into stories with ties to the paranormal.

Timeslot: Thursdays at 9PM on ABC.

Lowdown: I loved the original television movie The Night Stalker and it's sequel The Night Strangler, and the original TV series was not without it's charms. Alright, so the original series was kind of dumb, But the thing that made it so fun was Darren McGavin's portrayal of the weathered, rumpled and endearing Carl Kolchak. Stuart Townsend is nothing like McGavin and this show will succeed or fail based on his performance. Advanced buzz on the pilot is pretty bad, but I like this kind of premise and I really want to like this show so I am going to give it a few episodes before I decide whether or not it is worth my valuable time.

And that's the lowdown. If I can't find anything decent to watch this season, perhaps I'll write my own Sci-Fi show.

Decker out...

Odyssey of Incompetence

I'm as mad as hell and I'm yadda, yadda, yadda... This isn't one of my fun movie reviews or zen anecdotes. This is the story of a little guy (me) getting dicked around by an insurance company. I am writing this to channel my feelings of anger, frustration and helplessness. I guess the whole thing started on the 29th day of May 2005, when I picked up my 1990 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera from my Grandmother. I arranged to get this car insured through my insurance broker/agent Rullo Insurance (1128 Troy Schenectady Road, Latham, NY 12110) and my insurance company AIG Agency Auto (P.O. Box 1802, Alpharetta, GA 30021-0302). I paid for six months of insurance coverage.

In early July I received a document in the mail from the local DMV stating that I had to either provide proof of insurance or turn in my license plates. I called Rullo Insurance and was informed that if I faxed them this document, then they would take care of the problem. So, I drove down to Staples and faxed them the paperwork. According to the guy I spoke with at Rullo, the problem was as good as solved and I did not have to worry about it. Later I found out that they finally got around to sending this information to my insurance company (AIG) on July the 28th, 2005.

A few weeks later I received an identical document from the DMV (turn in your plates or provide proof of insurance). I called Rullo again, and this time I spoke to a woman who claimed that the reason that this problem was not taken care of was her fault. She said that she had forgotten to file some paperwork pertaining to my file and that she would remedy the situation. This entailed another trip to Staples where she faxed me a document stating that I had not been in any accidents with this car, which I signed and faxed back to her along with the new document from the DMV. I drove back home and called to confirm that Rullo had received these faxes. They assured me that they had. This paperwork they sent to AIG on August the 12th, 2005. According to Rullo, AIG filed this paperwork with the DMV on August the 19th and that it should be in their system in 72 hours. Now I spoke to the lady at Rullo in early August (I know this because it was just before I left for my sister's wedding on the 6th). Why it took her until August 12th to get this paperwork to AIG and why it then took AIG until the 19th to get this to the DMV is anyone's guess.

Sunday (August the 20th, 2005) I was pulled over by a Sheriff's patrol officer for a minor traffic infraction (I rolled through a stop sign rather than coming to a complete stop). The officer informed me that according to their records I was still not insured. He was going to take my plates and have my car towed. I dropped the name of a Patrol Sergeant who I am good friends with and this convinced the officer to escort me home rather than getting me towed, with the promise that I would not drive until this matter was cleared up.

Yesterday, I called Rullo (and screamed at them for ten minutes, truth be known) and they told me that the matter was cleared up and that I could drive again. I was understandably skeptical since they had already told me that the matter was cleared up twice, when this was not the case. So I called the DMV, and sure enough, on their computers they still did not have proof of my insurance. Further, the rude woman at the DMV told me that once they received the proof of insurance from my insurance company electronically it would take an additional seven to nine days before it showed up in their computer. I called Rullo (yelled some more) and they said that they would fax a hard copy of proof that I was insured to the DMV, but that there was nothing else they could do and they blamed the problem on both AIG and the DMV. In the meanwhile, I can not legally drive. If I can not drive, I can not work. The level of incompetence that I have had to deal with is unacceptable. I am angry and I would steer anyone I cared about away from Rullo Insurance or AIG Agency Auto.

I have filed a complaint with the New York State Insurance Department Consumer Services Bureau, for all the good that will do. The sad truth is that I have been technically uninsured since early July. My brother and I drove to Virginia to attend my sister's wedding in an uninsured vehicle. If we had been pulled over on that trip, I would have lost the car and missed my sister's wedding. Nobody from Rullo, AIG, or the DMV who I spoke to seemed to give a damn about that. Nobody wanted to admit that they had screwed up.

That's all for now...

Decker out...

The Mantle of the Bat

"YEARS--TO TRAIN AND STUDY AND PLAN... HERE, IN THE ENDLESS CAVE, FAR PAST THE BURNT REMAINS OF A CRIMFIGHTER WHO'S TIME HAS PASSED... IT BEGINS HERE--AN ARMY--TO BRING SENSE TO A WORLD PLAGUED BY WORSE THAN THIVES AND MURDERERS... THIS WILL BE A GOOD LIFE... GOOD ENOUGH."

--BRUCE WAYNE

And with those words, Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns graphic novel came to a close. A brilliant and seminal comic book work. This would have been the perfect end to the Batman's career if Miller hadn't gone back to the well one time too many with the disappointingly crappy The Dark Knight Strikes Again (shudder).

But I digress...

This post isn't so much about the Batman as it is about me wanting to be a superhero. Or at least getting the opportunity to play one before I die. I am an actor after all and superhero projects are in vogue at the moment. I always knew that if I was patient enough, I would get my chance. Last Saturday I fulfilled a life long dream by portraying the Batman. Not just any superhero, but one of the big DC comics icons. Alright, it was a half hour gig for Zing*A*Gram. A four year old kid's Birthday party in Troy, New York. But it didn't matter. I was going to be Batman and I intended to do it right. I worked so hard to prepare. I watched a couple episodes of Batman: The Animated Series so I could get that deep, scary Batman voice down. On the drive to the gig I listened to Danny Elfman's musical score for the 1989 Batman film to get into the right head space. It was going to be perfect. Hey, I look more like the Dark Knight than Michael Keaton ever did. And those fake muscles I strapped over my chest didn't hurt either. So I dawned the mantle of the Bat (in a cramped bathroom) and I was ready... Little Sean Curtis got one look at me in my rubber bat suit and screamed his lungs out. I don't think he stopped crying for more than a minute the whole time I was there.

At least I was a hit with the other kids. We played "Duck, Duck, Bat" and "Ring Around the Riddler" and "Follow the Batman." Then there were pictures and autographs and even a Q +A session just before I jumped into my Batmobile and headed back to Gotham. Alright, so maybe I was more Adam West than Christian Bale, but I put the fear of God into a four year old. Pre-Schoolers are a notoriously cowardly and superstitious lot. I'll bet that kid will be talking about me to his therapist for years to come.

Life is often strange and sometimes our dreams come true in bizarre and unexpected ways. But you soldier on because you literally never know what is going to be around the next corner. After all, that's what the Batman would do...

Johnny D (the "D" is for Dark Knight)

Fantastic Four Only Marginally Fantastic

I love comic books. I have been collecting four color adventures for 30+ years and consider myself somewhat of a comic aficionado. I also love movies. So when you combine my two favorite hobbies, I'm inclined to get excited. The Twenty First Century is a good time to be a comic book fan. Besides the many wonderful comic books coming out on a monthly bases, there are a great many films coming out based on comic book properties. So many in fact, that the quality of these films tends to be extremely varied.

My litmus test for a good comic book film is very simple. How close did the film makers stick to the source material. When the film sticks to the spirit of the comic, even if minor things are tweaked, I am happy. The best example of a comic book film sticking to the source material is Sin City. Instead of writing a script, they used the dialog straight from Frank Miller's Graphic Novels. They used his art for the story boards. Because of this, Sin City kicked major ass. An example of a comic book movie that diverted from it's source material was Catwoman, and that was awful. They changed so much that I was surprised that they even called it Catwoman.

The Fantastic Four, as directed by Tim Story, is one of those comic book based films that falls somewhere between Sin City and Catwoman in terms of quality, although the things I liked about the movie (barely) outweigh the things I disliked. This is the story (for those of you who have never read the comic) of four friends who are caught in a cosmic ray storm and genetically mutated and how they decided to use their new powers to benefit humanity.

Here are the things that didn't work...

The casting choices were odd. Reed Richards AKA Mr. Fantastic should be a man in his mid to late 40s. The quintessential, pipe smoking, 1950s scientist archetype. As portrayed by Ioun Gruffudd, he just looks too damn young to be such a renowned scientific genus. In the comic books Sue Storm AKA the Invisible Woman is a maternal, pretty woman in her early to mid 30s. As played by Jessica Alba, she looks like a stunningly gorgeous super model. Now I must admit that the performances of Gruffudd and Alba eventually won me over, but I had to get past my own pre-conceived notions of what the characters should look like. I would have rather had the characters cast more to type and not had to work so hard in the theatre to get past the physical appearances.

Speaking of physical appearance, the casting of Chris Evans as Johnny Storm AKA the Human Torch and Michael Chiklis as Ben Grimm AKA the Thing was much better in terms of age and type, but I wish that Johnny had been a blond like he is in the comic (the buzz cut looked stupid) and Ben had had hair (at least in his human form). Alright, now I know that I'm nit picking, but I'm a geek. That's what we do. I love the Fantastic Four comic, and I want it to match up to the image I have in my head.

I didn't like the films portrayal of Dr. Doom. In the comic books Victor Von Doom was a gypsy boy who, through cunning and genius, works his way to eventually being the absolute dictator of his own country. The Victor Von Doom in the film, as played by Julian McMahon, is a virtual clone of Norman Osborn from the Spider-Man films. A corporate CEO who falls victim to his own ego. In the comics Von Doom is trying to use a machine of his own creation to contact his mother in Hell, when an accident causes the machine to explode and scars his once handsome face. In the movie, Von Doom is on the same satellite as our four heroes when it is struck by a cosmic ray storm, altering his DNA and turning him into a metal coated electric generator. I don't know why film makers feel that they must intertwine the origins of the villains with that of the heroes, but it doesn't always work. Reed Richards and Victor Von Doom were acquaintances in college, that is the only connection they need. Also, the Dr. Doom costume just didn't work for me. His armor looked plastic. Dr. Doom should be a man to fear and awe, and I just didn't get that from McMahon's performance. He should possess an arrogance that is frightening in it's magnitude. Again, Julian McMahon just didn't deliver.

Speaking of costumes that didn't work, I just didn't like the Thing costume. While I appreciated that the mask allowed us to see enough of Michael Chiklis's face so that he could emote, I just couldn't get past the fact that it looked like it was made of rubber, not rock.

Also, the romance between Ben Grimm and Alicia Masters (as played by Kerry Washington) seemed rushed and unnecessary. In the comic it's a real interesting beauty and the beast type relationship, and if it was going to be included in the film, I wish that they would have given it more time.

Alright, now the things that did work...

The acting of the four leads is very good, and they all have a nice chemistry. At it's core, the Fantastic Four is about family, and the family dynamics were very well drawn out here. Reed is a space case, Sue's frustrated that Reed can't look up from his experiments long enough to notice her, Johnny is a hot shot to leaps before he thinks and Ben is a rough around the edges, salt of the earth, type guy who really gets screwed when he is genetically turned into a rock monster. Their interactions form the heart of the film and that is really enjoyable and well done. The Johnny/Ben relationship works especially well. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby would be proud.

The action scenes are well directed and exciting. When you give a damn about the characters (and I did in this movie) actions scenes just work so much better. Besides the costumes, most of the special effects were very good, especially Johnny's flame effect when he is the Human Torch. It was a trip seeing Ben and Doom beat the crap out of each other. Seeing Reed wrap his elastic body around Ben to halt his tantrum and seeing Johnny lead a heat seeking missile away from the teams head quarters (the Baxter Building). All of this stuff comes right out of the comics and is very fun. Also Jessica Alba is real easy on the eyes. Yeah, I know that I complained that she was too attractive to be playing Sue, but if that was the way they were going to cast, than I want to see some cheese cake and I was not disappointed. And considering the handicap of having to work in a stupid looking rubber costume, Michael Chiklis was very effective as the tortured Ben Grimm. There is some real pathos here. A credit to the man's acting skills.

Overall, I would say that this is a fun popcorn movie and not to be taken too seriously. If they can improve the Thing costume and make Doom more of a menace they might really have something fantastic for the sequel.

Decker Out...

The Rock

There once was a Barnacle who spent his life clinging to a rock in the center of a tide pool. The rock was surrounded by a beautiful coral garden, and every day the Barnacle and his brothers and sisters witnessed all manner of aquatic life forms as they would swim and drift and sail past the rock.

But the Barnacle longed for something indefinable and wished to explore his environment more thoroughly. One day he asked his brother, who had been clinging onto the rock next to him all his life, "What would happen if I let go of the rock?"

"Oh, don't do that," his brother responded. "You would be swept away by the rip tides and dashed to pieces against the rocks and the coral of our little tide pool. Much safer to just hang on." And so the Barnacle continued to hang on for many moon cycles. But still he was dissatisfied.

Until one day, summoning up all his courage, the Barnacle released the rock... And he was swept up by the rip tides and dashed against the rocks and the coral of the tide pool as his brother had foretold. And it hurt more than he ever imagined it would... But his shell was much harder than anyone had suspected, and he survived his bumps and bruises and eventually was swept into much gentler currents. And as the little Barnacle drifted across the ocean floor, the wonders he saw...

New coral reefs, bursting with colors he had never dreamed existed. He encountered new species of fish, both familiar and bizarre in appearance, some were friendly and some not so much, but all had things to teach him. He bore witness to the counsel of whales and learned their ancient songs telling of the secret history of the world. And although from time to time a rip tide would take him and smash him about, his shell had grown even harder and now he barely felt the pain.

One early evening when the setting sun was staining the ocean floor with it's orange rays, giving everything an eerily beautiful glow, the Barnacle drifted over another tide pool, and beneath him he happened to spy another rock covered by a family of barnacles. And the barnacles looked up and were awed and they said with great reverence, "Surely you must be God, for you float above us..."

And the Barnacle laughed and replied, "We are all God. All you have to do is let go of the rock."

This Folk Tale was originally conveyed to me by my friend Joe Enzinna in Saratoga Springs, NY in the early 90s.

By Any Other Name...

Of late, I have been giving a lot of thought to names. A name says a lot about a person. Some cultures believe that knowing a persons true name could give you power over them. I was named after my mother's paternal grandfather and her father's middle name became my middle name. Dad's family used to spell my surname Dekkar, but it was changed to Decker by my Dad's grandfather to Americanize it somewhat. I have decided to do an analysis of my name to see if it will yield any insights into my true self...

John (Hebrew): 1. God is gracious. 2. God's gracious gift. 3. Merciful.

Michael (Hebrew): 1.Who is like God.

Decker (German/Belgian): 1. One who covered roofs with tile, straw or slate; a roofer. 2. One who came from Deck or Decker, the names of places in Germany. 3. Man of Prayer.

Translated, you could say that my name is: God's Gracious Gift who is Like God and Fixes Roofs, but I find that rather unwieldy. The translation I prefer is: Merciful God-Like Man of Prayer. Now that is a name a man can be proud of.

Here are some other names that I will forever be connected to...

Salvatore (Italian): Savior. I chose this to be my Catholic Confirmation name, in part to honor my Great Uncle Sal.

Giovanni (Italian): This is my mother's maiden name and it is also the Italian form of John.

Perhaps even more telling than a man's true name is his nick names. What follows is a list of the nick names I've had in my life so far, as well as their origins. Read these and you will know everything you need to know about me...

Johnny: Family nick name. Derivation of John.

Deck: High School nick name. Derivation of Decker.

J.D.: High School nick name. Derivation of John Decker.

J.J., John John: Nick names first given to me by my mother, and later given to me by my friend Chris Prueitt when we worked together at the Sterling Renaissance Festival.

Johnny D.: Nick name given to me by the Groundling Support Troupe I co-directed when I worked at the Sterling Renaissance Festival. Yet another derivation of John Decker.

Cake, Cakie: Family nick name given to me on my first Birthday after stuffing my feed-hole with Birthday Cake.

Mudfoot: Nick name given to me in High School by my friend Eddy Bennett after we decided to give each other "cool soundling Road Warrior names." I named him Seven Horse Killer.

Batman: Nick name given to me in High School after I painted bat symbols on the hood and trunk of my 1976 Dodge Monico.

Fafhrd: This high school nick name was given to me by my friend Rick Backus. He called me Fafhrd and I called him the Gray Mouser based on the sword and sorcery adventurers from the Fritz Leiber novels.

Mars: Nick name given to me by Jonathan Furst, my first college director, because he though that I was so "out there."

Tie Dye Owl, T.D.O.: Nick names given to me by my friend Jeff Frank when we worked together at the Hebron Camp and Conference Center. I was the Arts & Crafts director there and I had just constructed a colorful mask made out of cardboard and yarn which hooked over my glasses. I decorated it with bizarre designs using several magic markers. Jeff saw me wearing it in the dining hall and said that I looked like "the Tie Dye Owl." Thus a legend was born.

Jean-Luc: Another nick name given to me by my friend Jeff Frank. So named for famed Starship Captain, Jean-Luc Picard. A tribute to our mutual love of Star Trek.

Starfleet: Nick name given to me at the Sterling Renaissance Festivel by my friend, Michael Reilly. This comes from the nick name Lt. B'Elanna Torres gave to Ensign Harry Kim on Star Trek: Voyager. Denoting what he perceived to be my naive, boy scout, way of looking at the universe.

Decker-Unit: Once again, this nick name was given to me by Michael Reilly. This one comes from the name the android Ilia gives to Captain Willard Decker in Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

Shadowjack: College nick name. I think this one was started by my friend, Drew. Named for the title character of the Roger Zelazny novel, Jack of Shadows.

Ukal The Mysterious, Ukal T. Mysterious, the Mysterious One or just plain Ukal: Nick names given to me by my Dungeons & Dragons group at SUNY Plattsburgh. Named after my Wizard character. "Ukal" by the way, is Thives Cant for "Master."