On this eve of Christmas Eve I just wanted to wish everyone an awesome Holiday season. But this Merry Christmas wish comes with a dire warning. There have been reports of some fat bastard squeezing down chimneys and rummaging through cupboards looking for half-eaten food stuffs. Some men call him... FATTY CLAWS!!! Dum! Di! Dum! Dum! (That was a dramatic music sting). I like to think of him as... DARK NICK!!! DAA DAA!!
Anywho, this deer abusing, soot covered, freak likes it when children sit on his lap and beg him for free merchandise. Then he gives them candy canes. Sick f@$ker! I wouldn't fool around if I were you. I recommend that you set up a bear trap in your fireplace. When the crimson intruder gets his size 11 clamped in good ol' stainless American steel, blast him in the face with a shot gun before he can gnaw through his leg and escape. I know this sounds harsh, but then you can take his magic bag filled with endless toys and use it to become the most powerful entity in your neighborhood.
Sweet, sweet power! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!
Why, Santa? Why didn't I get that G.I. Joe with the Kung-Fu grip?
But I digress... Let's remember what this holiday is really about. It's not about some white-bearded, milk-guzzling, mutant who enslaves elves and forces them to make trinkets in his sub-zero Gulag til their fingers bleed. No. It's about the arrival of our saviour. A man we can all look up to as a shining example of what we can only aspire to be. I speak, of course, of Superman. I think that dead Kryptonian scientist, Jor-El, said it best...
"Even though you have been raised as a human being you are not one of them. They can be a great people, Kal-El, if they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good. I have sent them you, my only son."
Yeah. Superman is groovy (sigh). Big Love and Merry Christmas from your Uncle Johnny!
"And I'd have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"
Johnny D
1 comment:
My friend, Charles F. Murray (who played Santa at Macy's in NYC) took exception to my "Holiday Greeting." Quoth Chas...
"As for your little har dee har har
joke that's how you thank people for cards Huh? Sad dude. Really sad."
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