Holiday Greetings

Season's Beatings, Friends,

On this eve of Christmas Eve I just wanted to wish everyone an awesome Holiday season. But this Merry Christmas wish comes with a dire warning. There have been reports of some fat bastard squeezing down chimneys and rummaging through cupboards looking for half-eaten food stuffs. Some men call him... FATTY CLAWS!!! Dum! Di! Dum! Dum! (That was a dramatic music sting). I like to think of him as... DARK NICK!!! DAA DAA!!

Anywho, this deer abusing, soot covered, freak likes it when children sit on his lap and beg him for free merchandise. Then he gives them candy canes. Sick f@$ker! I wouldn't fool around if I were you. I recommend that you set up a bear trap in your fireplace. When the crimson intruder gets his size 11 clamped in good ol' stainless American steel, blast him in the face with a shot gun before he can gnaw through his leg and escape. I know this sounds harsh, but then you can take his magic bag filled with endless toys and use it to become the most powerful entity in your neighborhood.

Sweet, sweet power! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

Why, Santa? Why didn't I get that G.I. Joe with the Kung-Fu grip?

But I digress... Let's remember what this holiday is really about. It's not about some white-bearded, milk-guzzling, mutant who enslaves elves and forces them to make trinkets in his sub-zero Gulag til their fingers bleed. No. It's about the arrival of our saviour. A man we can all look up to as a shining example of what we can only aspire to be. I speak, of course, of Superman. I think that dead Kryptonian scientist, Jor-El, said it best...

"Even though you have been raised as a human being you are not one of them. They can be a great people, Kal-El, if they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good. I have sent them you, my only son."

Yeah. Superman is groovy (sigh). Big Love and Merry Christmas from your Uncle Johnny!

"And I'd have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"

Johnny D

Worst... Films... EVER!

It's a lot easier to make a "worst film" list than it is to make a "best film" list. So I have limited my list to movies that were not only bad, but that disappointed me deeply at some level. Films I expected better of (because of the directors or the actors or the concept), but which let me down. And so, without further ado, here is my list of the worst, most disappointing films I have ever seen...

WORST MOVIES EVER MADE

*

1) The Passion of the Christ (2004): In making this film, Mel Gibson's assertion seems to be that we are all responsible for the death of Christ, so we should all be punished by watching a nice guy horribly tortured for nearly three hours. Excellent production values can't save this, ugly, vile film which is filled with lurid violence and raciest undertones. For a far superior movie about the life of Jesus Christ, I would recommend Martin Scorsese's controversial 1988 masterpiece, The Last Temptation of the Christ.

2) Batman & Robin (1997): This psychedelic dry-heave of a film brought to us by schlock director Joel Schumacher nearly killed the Bat-franchise and ended comic book movies forever. It also marked a steady decline in the quality of films starring action guru, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Loud, over-packed, over-acted and campy, this movie is devoid of any redeeming value and a slap in the face to fans of the Batman comic books.

3) Highlander II: The Quickening (1991): I loved the original Highlander which came out in 1986, so when I heard that actors Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery were teaming up with director Russell Mulcahy for a sequel, I was excited. When I got to the theater what I got was a convoluted mess that didn't even respect it's own established continuity. But you know what they say... "There can be only one... Good Highlander film."

4) Star Trek V: The Final Frontier/Star Trek: Nemesis (1989, 2002): These are, by far, the two most disappointing movies in the Star Trek canon. They both consisted of ridiculous plots, embarrassing character portrayals and juvenile humor that is, more often than not, at the expense of the characters the fans had grown to know and love.

5) Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999): Apparently George Lucas lost his copy of "Hero With 1,000 Faces" when he made this lackluster prequel to his original Star Wars trilogy. The archetypal character's of the first three films were replaced by boring, two-dimensional, stereotypes; the most insulting of which was the computer generated side-kick, Jar Jar Binks. This savagely annoying character wasted every frame of film he was in (nearly 88 minutes of the movie). On the plus side, this move does have some amazing lightsaber duels and boasts impressive special effects. It's just too bad they are wasted in such a loss of a film.

6) Cursed (2005): I enjoyed the Scream trilogy, and I love werewolves, so when I heard that Scream director Wes Craven and writer Kevin Williamson were re-teaming to make a werewolf flick, I thought that it would be a fun ride. Instead this was a stupid, insipid, waste of a movie with plot holes you could drive a truck through. The acting is bad. The special effects are bad. The writing is really bad. On a side note, two days after I saw Cursed, I got into a serious car accident and broke my arm. So, for me, this movie really was "cursed."

7) Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie (2000): I have played Dungeons & Dragons and I generally enjoy movies in the sword and sorcery genre, so I thought this film might be fun. By the end of the movie, I was left scratching my head and saying, "what the hell just happened?" What had happened was that I had lost about an hour and a half of my life I'll never get back.

8) Showgirls (1995): Who would have thought that a movie with this much gratuitous nudity could be so horrible? 'Nuff said.

9) Planet of the Apes (2001): Normally reliable director, Tim Burton missteps here with this awful re-make of the 1968 classic. Although the special effects are excellent and the acting is decent enough the plot just spirals into incomprehensible nonsense. What seems to have been lost on Burton was that the original Planet of the Apes was a brilliant social satire, not just an exploration of the weird for the sake of being weird.

10) Jersey Girl (2004): I am a huge fan of Kevin Smith and four of his original five films, so I was extremely disappointed to see him make this sappy pile of drivel with an ending that was apparent almost before the movie started running. Where are Jay and Silent Bob when you need them?

My Favorite Films of all Time

Making that list of my favorite comic book flicks got me thinking about my favorite films ever. And now, for no reason whatsoever, here is a list of my top 20 favorite movies ever made (as of December 1st, 2005). I have not included any comic book films, because I love that genre so much that it gets it's own list. Here we go...

MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME

1) The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003): It's hard for me not to think of The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King as one giant super-movie. Director/Co-Writer/Producer Peter Jackson did a brilliant job adapting J.R.R. Tolkien's classic trilogy of novels into an epic film trilogy. Jackson captures Tolkien's voice, themes, and characters but ups the action quotient making this a very enjoyable, layered film going experience.

2) Excalibur (1981): John Boorman takes a realistic, gritty look at the Arthurian legends in this spectacular film filled with excellent performances and layered with symbolism.

3) Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981):Director; Steven Spielberg, writer; George Lucas and actor; Harrison Ford teamed up to redefine the way action movies are made forever. Ford's Indiana Jones is still one of the most endearing characters ever put on film.

4) Jaws (1975): Another early Spielberg masterpiece about three very different men trying to destroy a sea monster. This movie is both highly suspenseful and character driven.

5) King Kong (1933): This early sound film was truly a classic in every way. This beauty and the beast story is still very watchable and poignant, even 72 years later. I can't wait to see what Peter Jackson does with the re-make in a few weeks. It will, no doubt, be superior to the mediocre 1976 re-make.

6) The Empire Strikes Back (1980): The best of the Star Wars movies and a grand Space Opera. This is truly George Lucas at the top of his game. He takes his ideas from Star Wars and expands on them in unexpected and exciting ways. The archetypal characters reach one at the gut level.

7) Star Wars (1977): I can still remember sitting in the movie theatre and watching this movie for the first time. When the giant Star Destroyer crawled across the screen firing on Princess Leia's smaller space ship something in me changed. I was then transformed into a Science Fiction Geek forevermore.

8) Shakespeare in Love (1998): Like one of Shakespeare's plays, this excellent film blends history and fabrication to create the unforgettable tale of two star-crossed lovers. It is a celebration not only of love, but of the theatre.

9) The Terminator (1984):James Cameron's action packed, balls to the wall, love story about a man, a woman, and an unstoppable killing machine.

10) Aliens (1986): James Cameron uses the movie Alien as a jumping off point into this incredibility suspenseful action/Sci-Fi epic about two mad mother's on a collision course.

11) Pulp Fiction (1994): Writer/Director Quentin Tarantino changes the way films are made with this highly original collection of tales about very bad men doing good things.

12) Fight Club (1999): David Fincher's brilliant, dark, social satire about men pushed to the edge by our consumer society.

13) The Matrix (1999): Larry and Andy Wachowski blend cyber-punk fiction, kung-fu action and zen philosophy into this highly watchable, visually stunning picture.

14) 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968): Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke team up to create one of the best pure Science Fiction movies ever made.

15) Tombstone (1993): Epic retelling of the story of the gunfight outside of the O.K. Corral and it's bloody aftermath.

16) The Shawshank Redemption (1994): This is that rarest of films, a prison story with an uplifting ending.

17) Kill Bill Volume 1 & 2 (2003-2004): Like the Lord of the Rings, I have to think of these two movies as one giant, super-film. This is Quentin Tarantino's highly enjoyable homage to kung-fu, spaghetti westerns and bloody revenge films of the 70s.

18) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000): Two touching love stories are couched in a Martial Arts action flick.

19) The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly (1966): A great spaghetti western and the best of Sergio Leone's "Man With No Name" trilogy.

20) An American Werewolf in London (1981): A film that works as well as a comedy as it does as a horror movie.