Why Not Me?

Well, as of the 19th of April 2005, Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger was elected Pope Benedict XVI. And I must confess, I am a wee bit disappointed. Not just because Benedict XVI is an ultra conservative who will cling to outmoded Catholic dogma, keeping Mother Church in the stone age and alienating the progressive faithful. No, I'm disappointed because I should have been elected pope.

Why not me? I'm a single Catholic man who (a long time ago) once seriously considered becoming a monk as my vocation. And, with all due modesty, I would make a kick ass pope. People who want a progressive pope who will drag the Church (kicking and screaming if necessary) into the 21st century, need look no further than me... John Michael Decker. Yeah, I know that I missed my shot this time around, but if I had been elected pope on April the 19th of this year, here are some of the things I would have done to shake up the church a little.

1) First of all there's the name thing. Pope's always name themselves after patron saints or past popes. Frankly this is played out. I say it's time for some out of the box thinking. I would choose a name that would command respect. Like Pope Kirk Picard I, Pope Batman II or His Holiness Captain Ass-Kicker the First.

2) As the pope I would have access to massive resources, so I would spend them in such a way as to make a powerful statement for all of the faithful and non -believers alike. I would have my people construct a giant citadel on the moon shaped like the pope's big, white hat. That way I could look down on the earth like God above, blessing the good, and targeting the foul with my orbital mind-control lasers.

3) Let's face it, the wafers used in mass to represent the body of Christ taste like cardboard. Shouldn't consuming the flesh of our savior be an enjoyable experience? I say we replace these tasteless discs with pop tarts or ho hos. Now that is some sweet cannibalism. Mmmm...

4) As pope I would dress up the elite Swiss guards as Storm Troopers. Better to look like bad ass Imperial clone warriors than girlie little fancy boys. Now that's an entourage that I can respect. I'm also thinking of making my cardinals dress up like the Super-Friends.

And those are just four of the many ideas that I have if I were elected pope. I have hundreds more. Thousands even. But hey, Benedict XVI is 77 years old. How long can his reign last? I'll get my shot. And then, look out world...

Happy Praying,

Johnny D