Sympathy for the Monsters

Here is a reprint of an article that was originally posted on Entertainment In Review. You can read my film reviews and other articles there. Just click on...

http://www.entertainmentinreview.com/

Sympathy for the Monsters

Written by John Michael Decker

Feb 21, 2007 at 01:23 PM

Monsters have been around for as long as man has been telling stories. When most people think of monsters, they probably imagine horrible supernatural beings that are up to no good. We conjure up images of villainous horrors that must be vanquished at any cost. We think of Dr. Frankenstein's lumbering abomination being pursued by angry villagers with torches, Count Dracula getting a stake plunged through his undead heart, or even Godzilla rampaging through Tokyo, vomiting radioactive fire at helpess soldiers. Folklore and mythology are rife with tales of heroes' epic battles with monsters. Consider the old English legend of Beowulf fighting Grendel, the Greek myth of Hercules battling the hydra or even the biblical tale of St. George slaying the dragon. As storytelling has become more sophisticated -- from oral tradition to written word to the cinema -- monsters have continued to play an important role in our modern tales. Think of King Kong's last stand at the Empire State Building, the unstoppable great white shark from Steven Spielberg's Jaws or even the slash-happy Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th franchise and it is apparent that monsters still hold a powerful position in our collective psyche. I think it is fair to say that, more often than not, monsters play the role of the bad guys in our stories. Most people root for the protagonists of an adventure to slaughter the monster -- most people, but not me. I love monsters, and most of the time I feel sorry for them.

I think that my great love of monsters started when I was a young child in the 1970s. I grew up in the small town of Lake Luzerne, NY. It was a very rural area and this was before we had video games or the Internet to occupy our time, so we had to rely on our imaginations for much of our entertainment. My brothers and I enjoyed camping and often our parents would let us pitch a tent and sleep in the back yard on warm summer nights. My Dad, who has always been a great natural storyteller, would tuck us into our sleeping bags and spin us an original tall tale, usually involving he and his brother battling some kind of monster on Long Island, where they grew up. Sometimes, when he didn't have an original story to tell, Dad would read to us from H.P. Lovecraft or Edgar Allen Poe. Then, about a half hour after he said goodnight, Dad would put on a rubber Halloween mask and attack our tent. First we would hear him rustling around the yard. Then his silhouette would appear on the side of the tent. And finally, he would burst through the flaps, growling out his best Lon Chaney impression. We would end up chasing each other around the yard as he snarled and we giggled. I think the best part of the whole experience was the anticipation. Waiting in that tent with our plastic flashlights, not knowing when the "monster" would strike. From an early age I learned that monsters were cool.

Back in those days we didn't have cable television, in fact, we only had a little black and white TV that got four channels by aid of rabbit ears. On Sunday afternoons there was a television show that solidified my great affection for monsters. It was called the Creature Feature, and it would play classic monster movies. It was the Creature Feature that introduced me to the wonderful Universal monsters like Dracula and the Wolf Man, giant Japanese creatures like Godzilla and Mothra, and even some great Sci-Fi flicks like The Day the Earth Stood Still and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. And it was watching the Creature Feature that really got me to start sympathizing with the plight of the poor, maligned monsters.

Take for example, the classic Universal monsters. In Frankenstein (1931), it would be easy to judge the creature that the great Boris Karloff portrayed as "evil." In actuality he is a victim of Dr. Henry Frankenstein's hubris. Stitched together from various corpses and brought to life by electricity, Karloff's monster was then abandoned by Dr. Frankenstein (played by Colin Clive). Left to fend for itself in a world that was revolted by its very appearance. No wonder the poor creature struck back. The real villain was Henry Frankenstein, who did not take responsibility for his creation. Frankenstein's monster: Lumbering killing machine or misunderstood man-child? You decide.

I also have great empathy for Count Dracula. As portrayed by Bela Lugosi in the film Dracula (1931), the Count was all class. Lugosi's Dracula was a survivor. He had to drink the blood of other living creatures in order to sustain his existence. He was only doing what he had to, and he did it with great style and panache. The Count knew that he was a creature of the night, and was true to himself. Like the ultimate survivor he was, Dracula always managed to cheat death and return to menace mankind again and again -- you have to admire his tenacity. Count Dracula: Blood sucking fiend or crafty survivor? You decide.

But my favorite Universal monster was not based on any Victorian literature, but rather on ancient European folklore. I speak, of course, of the werewolf from the film the Wolf Man (1941). In the movie, Lon Chaney Jr. plays Larry Talbot, a rich gentleman who has recently returned to his homeland. On a moonlit walk with a pretty girl, he is attacked by a gypsy werewolf (played by Bela Lugosi of Dracula fame) and cursed to transform into a snarling, man-eating beast when the moon is full. In a sense, poor Larry Talbot has contracted a deadly disease, albeit a disease that threatens the lives of everyone around him. The Wolf Man: rampaging beast or lost soul? You decide.

Werewolves, vampires (particularly Count Dracula), and Dr. Frankenstein's monster have appeared again and again in the cinema since Universal's earliest days. Even though the stories they appear in might change, the feelings of sympathy I have for movie monsters have not. Most monsters (Universal or not) elicit sympathy for the same reasons as the big three. Dracula, as I said, is the ultimate survivor. This could also be applied to the shark from Jaws, or the extraterrrestrials from the Alien films. I would not classify the giant shark or the alien bugs as evil so much as following their genetic codes to survive. Frankenstein's monster, as I said, is an accident of science. The same could be said for Godzilla, who is really an allegory for the hydrogen bomb --the ultimate hubris of man. Godzilla is more akin to a natural disaster than anything else. When he comes to town, as with an earthquake or tsunami, all the poor humans in his path can do is hunker down and hope they survive long enough to clean up afterward. And like the Wolf Man, my favorite giant monster, King Kong is more of a victim of circumstance than anything else. The big ape was kidnapped from his home environment and displayed as a curiosity. Is it any wonder that he broke loose and wrought havoc on The Big Apple? As with Africanized honeybees and fire ants, the lesson of King Kong is that some animals should not be relocated.

But there are exceptions to every rule. Sometimes the monsters in horror films really are... well, monsters. Examples of the fiends I speak of are Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Michael Myers from Halloween, Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th, and Freddy Kruger from A Nightmare on Elm Street. These monsters have become iconic in their own way, although they lack the personality of the classic movie creatures. I cannot argue with the fact that these antagonists are pure evil; this new breed of monsters tend toward soulless killing machines with an inexplicable hatred for teenage hormones. Usually, however, the parade of human victims in these films are so annoying and stupid that by the time the bad guys devise a creative means to butcher them I am relieved -- so once again I am rooting for the bad guys.

And what about zombies? Those shambling, undead, flesh-eating abominations that George A. Romero often features in his films? These things are like anti-ghosts. Instead of being souls without bodies they are bodies without souls. They tend to have even less personality than Freddy Kruger or Jason Voorhees, but what they lack in conversational skills they more than make up for in sheer numbers. I love zombie flicks. Perhaps it is because in the really good zombie films, the animated corpses represent us at our worst. Take George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead, where the mindless undead are compelled to congregate at a shopping mall. Also, I must confess that it is extremely satisfying to see rag-tag groups of human survivors put bullets in the heads of zombie hordes. In movies when Nazis, robots or zombies get destroyed, I never feel any kind of guilt. What I have yet to see is a Nazi-cyborg-zombie combination -- now that would be a cool monster!

As I stated above, there are always exceptions to the rule, and sometimes monsters are not cast as the bad guys. Some examples of heroic monsters are Ben Grimm, the ever loving, blue-eyed Thing from the Fantastic Four (he may be an ugly rock monster but he's the heart and soul of the team), and the Incredible Hulk (who really just wants to be left alone). One of the best recent heroic monsters is Hellboy. Hellboy is the creation of writer/artist Mike Mignola and first appeared in Dark Horse comic books in 1993. In 2004 Hellboy and his colorful cast of supporting characters were adapted to film by the great director Guillermo del Toro. Veteran character actor Ron Perlman portrayed Hellboy beneath a large amount of prosthetic makeup, and invested the character with great amounts of depth and humanity. There are just so many things that I find appealing about Hellboy -- he's literally a giant red devil, complete with horns, a tail and a stone right hand. He looks about as monstrous as they come, but at heart he's just a salt-of-the-Earth kind of guy. He was sent to Earth to be the beast that brings about the apocalypse. That is his destiny, but because Hellboy was raised by kind humans, he chooses to foreswear his fate and fight for humanity. The character arc is almost Shakespearean -- well, if Shakespeare had written about red devils, fish men and women who could start fires with their minds.

So yes, I love monsters of all stripes -- I admit it freely. Be they scary, cheesy, or heroic, I will always be in their corner, rooting for them to keep fighting that uphill battle for respectability. I hope this article will get you to revisit some classic monster movies and view the much-maligned beasts in a different light. Monsters need support too.

Copyright 2007 John Michael Decker. No reprints without written permission.

John Michael Decker is a struggling actor and sometime freelance writer. He used to leave out milk and cookies for the creature that lived in his closet... you know -- in case it got hungry in the middle of the night.

John Michael Decker's Top Ten Films of 2006

And now, here is my 2006 Top Ten Film list as seen on...

http://www.entertainmentinreview.com/

John Michael Decker's Top Ten Films of 2006
Written by John Michael Decker
Jan 01, 2007 at 08:27 PM

2006 has been an interesting year at the cinema. There have been disappointments (Superman Returns and The Prestige), films that were better than I anticipated they would be (X-Men: The Last Stand and Flyboys) and some films that were just so cheesy and weird that I loved them (Snakes On a Plane and Night Watch). There was the good (The Queen), the bad (Ultraviolet), and the decidedly ugly (Abominable). But the cream of the crop -- in my very biased opinion -- were...

#10: A Scanner Darkly

Synopsis: In the not-too-distant future, the war on drugs has been lost and an undercover narcotics officer (Keanu Reeves) must deal with a split personality brought on by his addiction to a new designer drug called Substance D.

This film is very faithfully based on the novel of the same name by Philip K. Dick, and directed by Richard Linklater (Dazed and Confused). Linklater employs a technique called rotoscoping where animators trace live action movement frame by frame, creating for the viewer a very life-like animated effect. This effect adds to the feeling of paranoia and isolation that pervades this picture.

In the end the audience is asked to wonder if sacrificing human souls is worth the price of winning the war on drugs. This is an extremely deep and trippy film-going experience.

#9: Rocky Balboa

Synopsis: After the dreadful Rocky V, Sylvester Stallone's boxing saga finally gets a proper send off with this sentimental offering. At the start of the film we learn that a 60-something Rocky Balboa now owns a restaurant in his old neighborhood in Philadelphia where he spends his time reliving past glories by telling boxing tales to his patrons. When a computer simulation shows that in his prime Rocky could have defeated current champ Mason "The Line" Dixon, forces are set in motion that may give Rocky one last chance at glory.

I liked that this movie was more reminiscent of the first Rocky than of the later offerings. It's the story of a true underdog with the deck stacked against him. Also, the chemistry between Stallone and young actor Milo Ventimiglia (who plays Rocky's son, Robert Jr.) was very nice and their scenes together were quite good.

#8: Clerks II

Synopsis: Director Kevin Smith's raunchy and hilarious meditation on friendship and moving forward finds the heroes of the first Clerks -- Dante and Randal -- working at Mooby Burger. Dante is engaged and ready to move out of state, but Randal is still happy being a slacker and feels abandoned by his hetero life mate.

Smith excels at dialog and he is back in fine form after his most recent and disappointing outing, Jersey Girl. No other director can combine toilet humor and pathos so seamlessly. I look forward to more adventures of Jay, Silent Bob and the rest of Smith's Jersey gang.

#7: Hollywoodland

Synopsis: This film explores the tragic death of television's Superman, George Reeves, in a very Rashomon-like style. Burned out P.I. Louis Simo (Adrien Brody) explores the seedy underbelly of Hollywood in an effort to uncover the mystery. Although the film offers no definitive answers as to how the tragedy unfolded, it does paint a fascinating portrait of a troubled man in a town that will eat your dreams for breakfast.

I realize that it is popular to bash Ben Affleck these days, but I thought his performance as George Reeves was a revelation. Through flashbacks we see Reeves slowly disintegrate as both his professional and personal lives crumble around him. Affleck was subtle and nuanced and is a much better actor than most people give him credit for.

#6: The Proposition

Synopsis: A harsh, bleak and unforgiving Australian western written by rock star Nick Cave. In this film, outlaw Charlie Burns (Guy Pearce) is given an impossible choice. Hunt down and kill his psychotic older brother or allow his younger brother to be executed.

This is a ceaselessly dark film and it is not going to be for everyone, but it is also surprisingly thoughtful and philosophical and it shows that some places on this earth are just not meant to tamed.

#5: Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Synopsis: The film that pissed the most people off this year is also the funniest -- often painfully so. Comedian Sacha Baron Cohen plays rabidly anti-Semitic Kazakhstan journalist, Borat Sagdiyev who has come to America to make a documentary. Borat is backwards and offensive in the extreme, and yet he is so innocent that he comes across as endearing instead of hateful.

The brilliance of this film comes from the fact that most of the cast is unaware that Cohen is just an actor, and so through Borat's eyes we get to see Americans with their guard down. That honest look is not always pretty, but it is hilarious.

#4: Casino Royale

Synopsis: This is the best 007 flick in years, thanks to a start-from-scratch approach (similar to last summer's Batman Begins), a stricter adherence to the Ian Fleming source material, and a tour-de-force performance by the newest James Bond, Daniel Craig.

One thing I always admired about the James Bond character of Fleming's novels was the fact that underneath his suave exterior, Bond was a savage brute. He needed to be, to survive in his line of work, and Craig nailed this aspect of the character perfectly. This was a more vulnerable Bond than we've seen in the past -- a more flawed character -- but also far more human and interesting.

#3: The Departed

Synopsis: If Martin Scorsese does not win his long deserved Oscar for this undercover cop vs. undercover crook masterpiece than there really is no justice in the universe. In this film Leonardo DeCaprio plays Billy Costigan and Matt Damon plays Colin Sullivan. Two sides to the same coin. Costigan is an undercover cop trying to get the goods on Irish mobster Frank Costello (played by the ever-brilliant Jack Nicholson). Sullivan is one of Costello's goons who has joined the police force and is trying to sniff out the rat in the Costello gang.

The tension generated by this simple plot device is really quite wonderful, and all of the elements (acting, writing, and directing) mesh flawlessly under Scorsese's practiced hand. There is a reason that Scorsese is considered a legendary director, and this is the work of a great film master at the top of his game.

#2: V for Vendetta

This film is an adaptation of the comic book graphic novel by Alan Moore and David Lloyd. Moore got into a dispute with the producers and so asked for his name to be removed from the credits of the movie. This is really a shame because it is the best adaptation of Mr. Moore's work ever produced for the big screen.

Synopsis: In a dark future where England has become a totalitarian state, a lone vigilante in a Guy Fawkes mask (known only as "V") proves that the people should not fear their government, but the government should fear its people.

Alan Moore first wrote this material in the 80s over concerns of what the world was turning into under world leaders like Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan. In the era of George W. Bush this material is as relevant as ever.

And now, my favorite movie of 2006...

#1: The Descent

About a year ago I was at the video store and I found a pre-viewed copy of a film called Dog Soldiers in DVD format. The back of the DVD indicated that this was a movie about soldiers fighting werewolves. As I am a sucker for a good werewolf flick and the price was less than ten bucks, I bought the video. This film was so good that it is in contention with An American Werewolf in London as my favorite werewolf film ever.

I have since found out that Dog Soldiers was written and directed by an Englishman named Neil Marshall. Although it never got an American release, it broke box office records in England and Europe. I realized that I had found the work of a fresh new voice in horror cinema and I vowed to seek out all of the films that Neil Marshall made. Neil Marshall's second film did get an American release last summer. This film was The Descent, and it was one of the most spectacularly scary horror movies I have ever seen.

Synopsis: Six English women decide to go on an extreme outdoor adventure holiday in the Appalachians. What starts out as a caving expedition quickly goes horribly wrong. Initially, Marshall's film explores the very real terror of being underground: darkness, cave-ins, claustrophobia. But then, just when you think things couldn't get scarier, a paranormal element is introduced into the film that ratchets up the tension several more notches.
The movie's title works on many levels. This is about a descent into a cave. A descent into the darkness of the soul. And finally, a descent into madness. It is on par with Aliens as a truly intense thriller and it is my favorite film of 2006.

John Michael Decker is a struggling actor, comic book nerd, and self-avowed movie nut. For the past seven years or so he has been making a list of the previous year's top ten films and sending it to his friends. This year he's been asked to publish it on Entertainment in Review. He'll also be writing occasional film critiques in future columns. John comes to this web page not as a professional critic but as a guy who loves movies and who will hopefully steer you towards some quality entertainment.

Discuss this article or get some movie or music recommendations on our forum.

Copyright 2007 John Michael Decker. No reprints without permission.

Yet Another Survey

Awesome "Get To Know You" Survey!

1) What's your full name? John Michael Decker

2) Any nick names you want to share? Johnny D, Deck, Mudfoot, Cake, Tie Dye Owl, Jean-Luc, Ukal

3) What color is your hair? Dark Brown

4) What color are your eyes? Hazel

5) Name a favorite restaurant or two? New Way Lunch and the Dinosaur BBQ

6) Elvis or the Beatles? The Beatles

7) Captain Kirk or Captain Picard? Captain Picard

What is your earliest memory? Seeing a moose run across the road in Maine

8) When dating, do you have a 'type?' Usually Jewish women and red heads

9) Name a great film that not enough people have seen: Near Dark

10) How about a great book that not enough people have read: "Jack of Shadows" by Roger Zelazny

11) Four places you've worked? Sterling Renaissance Festival, Captain Blue Hen's Comics, Walt Disney World: MGM Studios, the Jekyll & Hyde Club (NYC)

12) Horror Films! Love 'em or Hate 'em? LOVE 'EM!!!

13) If you could have one super-power, what would it be? Telekinesis (thats MIND BULLETS!!!)

14) Now, how about a secondary super-power? Shape Shifting (how awesome would that be for an actor?)

15) Favorite eye color of the opposite sex? Green

16) What scares you? Failure

17) What delights you? Performing

18) Name a foreign country you would like to visit: Japan

19) Name four places you've lived: Lake Luzerne, NY; Smithville, TX; Golfport, FL; Chester, England

20) Ever been romantically in love? Oh yes...

21) Ever had someone you loved make you cry? Oh yes...

22) What is your profession? Actor

23) When you were a kid, what did you think your profession was going to be? Astronaut or Magician

24) Who is the hottest Hollywood star? Marilyn Monroe or Bettie Page

25) Favorite fictional character? Spider-Man

26) Are you, or have you ever been, a geek? I'm a card carrying geek

27) What is your favorite animal? Wolf

28) Who is your celebrity look-alike? Mike Myers

Checklist

This list speaks for itself!

Place an "x" in all boxes that apply...

[x] I Talk A LOT when I get really nervous.

[x] I am really ticklish.

[ ] I'm afraid of the dark.

[ ] I can't sleep in a room if the door is open

[ ] I can't sleep in a room if the door is closed

[ ] I am homosexual.

[x] I believe in true love.

[ ] I've ran away from home

[x] I listen to political music

[x] I collect comic books

[x] I shut others out when I'm sad.

[x] I've stayed out all night.

[ ] I open up to others easily.

[x] I am keeping a secret from the world. (isn't everyone?)

[x] I watch the news

[ ] I love Disney movies.

[X] I am a sucker for green eyes.

[x] I am a sucker for brown eyes.

[x] I am a sucker for blue eyes

[ ] I don't kill bugs

[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.

[x] I've slipped and fell in public.

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation

[ ] I love Spam (well, just the funny subject lines... "1,000 Lemmings Can't Be Wrong!")

[ ] I bake well.

[ ] I have worn pajamas to class.

[x] I want a better job

[ ] Talked on a phone for 6+ hours.

[ ] I love Dr. Phil.

[ ] I like multiple people

[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.

[x] I am self-conscious.

[x] I love to laugh.

[x] I have tried alcohol.

[ ] I drink alcohol on a regular basis.

[x] I have tried a cigarette.

[ ] I have smoked a pack in one day.

[ ] I loved Lord of the Flies.

[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.

[ ] I can't swallow pills.

[x] I have a lot of scars.

[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.

[x] I like chocolate.

[ ] I bite my nails.

[x] I am not comfortable with being me.

[x] I play computer games when I'm bored.

[x] Gotten lost in the city.

[x] Thought of suicide before.

[x] Seen a shooting star.

[x] Gone out in public in my pajamas

[x] Hugged a stranger.

[x] Been in a fist fight.

[x] Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of my nose

[x] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.

[x] Made out in an elevator.

[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose

[ ] Been skydiving.

[ ] Been bungee jumping.

[x] Gotten stitches.

[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour

[x] Bitten someone

[x] Been to Niagara Falls.

[x] Gotten the chicken pox.

[x] Crashed into a car

[x] Been to germany

[x] Ridden in a taxi.

[ ] Shoplifted.

[x] Been fired.

[x] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.

[ ] Stole something from your job.

[x] Gone on a blind date.

[x] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.

[ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

[x] Been to Europe.

[x] Slept with a co-worker, and/or employee.

[ ] Been married

[ ] Gotten divorced

[x] Saw someone/something dying.

[ ] have a list of people you want to kill.

[x] Ridden in a car over 400 miles in one day

[x] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[ ] Thrown up in a bar.

[x] Eaten sushi.

[x] Cried in public.

[ ] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed

[x] Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn't have.

[x] Thought of someone a lot lately.

[ ] Hate the world.

For the LOVE OF GOD! VOTE!!!

Current mood: aggravated

Happy Halloween everyone. So, you know what the scariest thing I can think of today is? The Republicans still control the White House, Congress and the Supreme Court. If that's not enough to get your spine crawling and cause you to run, screaming and gibbering, to the Canadian border, than I don't know what is.

So, let's go over our current president's track record, shall we... In 2000 George W. Bush's party tampered with the election process and STOLE the victory away from Al Gore. And Gore and the Democrats were too spineless to go to the mat fighting this. Since the Democrats rolled over so easily, the Republicans tampered with the election in 2004 and STOLE another victory for the repulsive George W. Bush. You have to give those RED ELEPHANT'S points for balls.

When "W" took office in 2000, Bill Clinton had left him with an ENORMOUS Budget surplus (I apologize for not having the exact number before me, but it was in the billions). Currently we have an ENORMOUS Budget DEFICIT (also in the billions).

Say what you want about Bill Clinton, but it was on George W. Bush's watch that the WORST TERRORIST ATTACK in U.S. history occurred on our soil. Now, after 9/11, it was an appropriate move to attack Afghanistan, the Taliban stronghold. We had the support of the U.N. The sympathy and good will of most of the world. But Bush did a half assed job in Afghanistan so that he could commit the majority of our forces to an attack on Iraq. A country that had NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ATTACK ON 9/11!! And he did this WITHOUT GLOBAL SUPPORT!!!

yeahbuhWHAT?!

And how did George W. Bush and his cronies convince the U.S. people that this would be a wise course of action? HE LIED TO US ABOUT WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, TAKING CRUEL ADVANTAGE OF THE FACT THAT WE (the United States of America) HAD JUST BEEN ATTACKED BY A FANATIC ENEMY!!! Using FEAR and DECEPTION to JAM this war down our throats! Just as they used FEAR and DECEPTION to STEAL two elections!

Anyone else see a pattern forming here?

So now we are trapped in a Vietnam like morass with no end in site and both American and Iraqis casualties piling up. And we have no real exit strategy. You know, folks... There was one other president who invaded Iraq. And although he is not one of my favorite people, I'll give him this, he was wise enough not to go into Baghdad. Why? Because he KNEW that this would happen. This mess that we are in today. And who was that man? Why, it was George H.W. Bush, father of our current president. Before committing our country to this tragic war, did George Jr. consult his father, George Sr.? Of course not. He's a monosyllabic, marble-mouthed, imbecile with delusions of godhood. A half-wit who is only concerned with the richest segment of the population.

As Exhibit A, I offer up this administration's responce to the Katrina disaster. If a hurricane of that magnitude had hit Kittybunkport, Maine, do you think the government would have dragged it's feet getting aide to that area? No fucking way!

Listen, this isn't information that most of you don't already know. I realize that it seems like we can do very little to change the state of the world. But this is not true. Next week we have an opportunity to wrest control of congress from the Republicans. Now, as I've mentioned, the Democrats are far from perfect, but they are a damn site better than the Republicans, and this is just the start of wining back the country from a party that is taking away our civil liberties by increments. And there are some bright lights on the horizon. Democrats who could take the White House in 2008 (I've got my fingers crossed for Barack Obama).

This is not the time to give up. This is not the time to roll over. The Republicans are FINALLY on the ropes and we need to press the advantage. So, for the love of our warm and fuzzy God, if you are a Democrate, or even if you just hate the Republicans, vote next week!

The fate of the Country is at stake.

BUMP!

That was the sound of me falling off my soap box.

My Ten Names

I have always been fascinated by names and their mythological power. Therefore, this internet quiz really intrigued me...

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current street name)
Happy Dorlon

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Chubby Hubby Chocolate Chip

3. YOUR "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
J-Dec

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Green Wolf

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Michael Glens Falls

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name)
Dec-jo Gio

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink )
Scarlet Lemon-aid (everybody knows that my real superhero name is the Tie Dye Owl)

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Felix Edward

9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne)
British Sterling

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother & father's middle name)
Newell Anne

My Pirate Name & Other Useless Information

My pirate name is:

Mad Dog Rackham

Part crazy, part mangy, all rabid, you're the pirate all the others fear might just snap soon. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

You Are From Pluto

You are a dark, mysterious soul, full of magic and the secrets of the universe. You can get the scoop on anything, but you keep your own secrets locked in your heart. You love change and you use it to your advantage, whether by choice or chance. You don't like to compromise, to the point of being self-destructive with your stubborness. Live life with love, and your deep powers will open the world to you.

What Planet Are You From?

And Pluto isn't even considered a planet anymore. This blows!

You Are 60% Gentleman

Generally you act like a gentleman, but sometimes you're careless with your manners. Most people know that you're trying your best - and that's usually good enough.

Are You A Gentleman?

You scored as The Amazing Spider-Man. After being bitten by a radioactive spider, Peter Parker was transformed from a nerdy high school student into New York's greatest hero. Peter enjoys the thrill of being a super hero, but he struggles with the burdens of leading a double life. He hopes someday to win the heart of his true love Mary Jane, the woman he's loved since before he even liked girls. Right now, he just wants to make it through college and pay his bills. The Amazing Spider-Man 96% Batman, the Dark Knight 79% Neo, the "One" 75% Lara Croft 71% Captain Jack Sparrow 67% Indiana Jones 67% Maximus 58% The Terminator 58% El Zorro 54% William Wallace 54% James Bond, Agent 007 46% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

You Are Wolverine

Small but fierce, you're a great fighter. Watch out! You are often you're own greatest enemy. Powers: Adamantium claws, keen senses, the ability to heal quickly

Which of the X-Men Are You?

Somehow, I always knew that I was a Canadian at heart.

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh. You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum. Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Black Comedy... Yeah, this is about right...

You Are 34% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well. In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups

Very popular, one of you is not enough.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 10% Conservative, 90% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

You are a Social Liberal (76% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (10% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

You Are 25% Left Brained, 75% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Which SuperVillian are you?
Green Goblin You are a disturbed scientist with an extreme dark-side, way to go!
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

You Are Gonzo the Great

"Is something burning in here? Oh, it's just me." You're a total nutball who will do anything for attention. The first to take a dare, you'll pull almost any stunt. You're one weird looking creature, but your chickens don't mind!

The Muppet Personality Test

Defending a Classic

George Lucas had some things to say about the fourth Indiana Jones movie, slated for a 2008 release...

"We're basically going to do The Phantom Menace. People's expectations are way higher than you can deliver. You could just get killed for the whole thing. We would do it for fun and just take the hit with the critics and the fans."

What... The... FUCK!!

Excuse my language here folks, but is this idiot now not even going to TRY and make the best possible film that he can? Is he that lazy? I love the original Indy trilogy. LOVE IT! And I would rather be left with my memory (not to mention my DVDs) of three excellent films than to have the Indiana Jones franchise tainted with a ham-fisted, half-assed attempt at another sequel. As a creative person, I am left to wonder why he would even bother trying to make a film if he is not going to do his level best to make the BEST PRODUCT POSSIBLE! Here's a challenge, George. Why not try to SURPASS the first trilogy? Why not surprise us and show us that you are still capable of making a decent film? Why not live up to the hype for once? OR, why don't you admit that you are creatively bankrupt, step aside, and hand the character over to a film maker with some energy and something new to say? Think of what M. Night Shyamalan, Sam Raimi or Peter Jackson could do with the Indy franchise?

Alright, now that that's out of my system I also feel that I must defend one of the most maligned of the Indy films. I speak, of course, of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. The bastard middle child of the trilogy. In fact, I would argue that this is a superior film to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Now, I think that we can all agree that "Raiders" was the best of the lot, but I will now list 5 reasons why "Temple of Doom" is better than "the Last Crusade."

A brief disclaimer. I love Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I love the fact that the main character relationship is between Indy and his Dad and not Indy and some chick. I love the opening sequence with "young Indy." I just don't feel that ultimately it is as strong as "Temple." Onward...

#1) Different direction. After creating arguably one of the greatest films of all time in Raiders of the Lost Ark, it took huge stones to take a 180 digree turn and try something different for the sequel (well, prequel really). Different setting, different side-kick, different love interest, different villains. And to my mind, it all works. Where "Last Crusade" played it safe and followed the basic "Lost Ark" formula, "Temple of Doom" took chances and was still able to pay homage to the great film serials of the past. Although, it honored different serials.

#2) That fight scene. To my mind that fight between Indy and the Thuggee slave master while Short Round was duking it out with the Prince at the simultaneously was one of the coolest fights in cinematic history. Not to mention the best single fight of the three Indy flicks. But then, I'm a big fan of old school, Jim Kirk style fisticuffs. And I like Short Round enough so that I'd like to see what the adult Shorty is up to in Indy 4 (if they were going to bother to make a good movie that is).

#3) Seat grabbing action! The non-stop action in "Temple" was just as relentless as it was in "Raiders." God, they even made the dinner scene exciting. While there are many great action sequences in "Crusade," pound for pound it doesn't match up with the unswerving break-neck pace of the first two.

#4) Honor the characters. While I loved seeing the return of Sallah and Marcus Brody in "Crusade," they were not treated with respect. In "Raiders" Sallah and Marcus were more than just light comic relief, they were solid character's with a real impact on the plot of the film. In "Crusade" they were sad shadows of their former selves. Poor Marcus especially suffered. Why couldn't they be funny, but not fools?

#5) The villains. While I enjoy seeing Indy beat the snot out of Nazi's as much as the next guy, it was cool to see him match his skills against the savage Thuggee cult and the black magic of it's leader. Indy can match wit's with other baddies besides the Nazi's and still be interesting.


Anyway, this is just one obsessed fan's opinion. Let the debates begin...

The Final Confession of Damian Spector

So the Renaissance Festival is going very well this season. The first weekend was great. The character I've created is Lord High Sheriff Damian Spector, who I've engendered to be a cartoonish, mustache-twirling, villain. However, in my experience even a character played broadly for comedy needs some grounding in reality. Early on in the rehearsal period we were asked to write a letter detailing a memory our characters might have of a seminal point in their lives. I was going to write about how Damian's father, Severus Spector (a tax collector from Shropshire) turned his mother, Isabella over to the authorities for being a recusant Catholic and then made him watch as she was burned to death. But then I came up with this little memory...

~The Final Confession of Lord High Sheriff Damian Spector~
~Chief Constable of Warwick Town~
Writ on this thirty first day of October in the year of our Lord fifteen hundred and eighty eight; Anno Domini

Journeyman adventurer, thou who hast unearthed this parchment, list well to my tale of woe...

Whilst I was still young and guileless and the bloom of youth still stained my cheeks like a ripe, red, apple, I was o'er taken by a foul mania. Aye, the all too common affliction known to fops and fools alike as... "Love..." To be sure, an insidious malady that strikes down beggar and King, reducing an otherwise lucid man to an artless, dizzy-eyed, clotpole. I damn my eyes for this foul weakness which o'er came me; this shadow, this blight; hanging o'er my head like the sword of Damocles... This putrid sickness which gnawed at my guts like filthy rats fighting o'er discarded meat at an abattoir.

Cordelia was her name. When our eyes first locked I was but ten and four and she ten and six. Her tresses were spun copper hanging in ringlets about her perfect countenance. Her diminutive chin a flawless fit for my thumb and forefinger. And the orbs... Deep emerald eyes that looked through me. Into me. Verdant like the pitiless, wine-dark, seas. Under her steady gaze I was unmanned... Stripped bare... All pretence burned away...

We wed the next autumn 'gainst the wishes of mine own sire. I was the son of a landed gentleman. She a simple farmer's daughter. Father beat me near to my grave. I took the licks with nary a word. Love controlled me. More the fool I. To marry for love rather than gain... Tis insanity...

Time passed as it is want to do. For lack of a better term, I was... "Content." Mayhaps e'en "happy." An odd sensation that I recall now only with bile in the back of my throat. I had become a soldier to support my young bride. I was in Flanders in the low countries fighting the Spanish scourge for Queen and country under William of Orange when word did reach mine ears like an ill wind. My wife... My Cordelia with the iron-red hair and the dancing damnable eyes had perished in the eighth moon of her confinement whilst birthing our child... And not e'en a son at that! Better the All Mighty to deliver unto me a stillborn than a daughter. A witless girl who looked at me with her dead mother's eyes. Fie!

God was to blame. Was it not the Creator who had infected my soul with his insidious love? Was it not Jehovah who then took from me that one joyous possession? The one being in the world entire that made my black existence bearable. My wife. My life.
My Ragnarok.

The scales are out of balance. It is my estimation that God doth owe me. Since I can not take my rightful vengeance on the All Mighty, I shall seek retaliation 'gainst all his creation. This did I vow on the night I learned my wife was struck dead by God. I shall have my pound of flesh from where I will. The suffering I inflict shall be legion. Now cruelty is my joy. I laugh in the face of the carnage I inflict. And when the day doth come to face my maker, let it be he who must beware!

Triumphant Return

This summer I will be making my triumphant return to the Sterling Renaissance Festival where I will be portraying the evil Sheriff of Warwickshire. I don't yet have an image of myself in costume as I have never played this part at Sterling before, and so here is a portrait of myself playing the evil Sheriff of Nottingham from the Steamer 10 Theatre's 2003 production of Robin Hood. So if you happen to be in the Sterling, New York area between the weekends of July 1st & 2nd and August 12th and 13th, drop by and look me up. I will be found twice a day at the Seat of Justice, presiding over the Trial & Dunk. There dispensing cruel wet justice to the guilty and innocent alike. Be afraid. Be very afraid...

Ships of the Line

For the hell of it, I have made myself a list of my favorite space vehicles from science fiction. To discipline myself I have only allowed myself to pick one ship from each sci-fi source (in other words, I can't pick the Millennium Falcon and Luke's X-Wing Fighter from Star Wars. I have to pick only my favorite ship from that particular Sci-Fi Universe).

Top Ten Sci-Fi Space Ships

#1)USS Enterprise: The one I really dig is the refit Enterprise (NCC 1701) first introduced in Star Trek: the Motion Picture. To me, this one is the classic exploratory/adventure vehicle. I think the ship's best moment was the dog fight with the Reliant in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

#2) The Discovery: I like this ship from 2001: A Space Odyssey mostly for the fact that it has always seemed so real to me. I also like the fact that HAL, the onboard computer, malfunctions and wipes out most of the crew. It gives the ship a haunted feeling.

#3) The Millennium Falcon: George Lucas is reputed to be a big gear-head, and the Falcon has always struck me as Han Solo's muscle car in space. I love that it was always on the verge of shaking apart at the seams but in a pinch it would pull through.

#4) Serenity: This is the ship that first appared in the Joss Whedon short lived television series, Firefly, and then in the movie, Serenity. It wasn't a battleship. It wasn't an exploratory vessel. It was the home to nine lost souls just trying to survive in a complicated universe.

#5) the TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimensions In Space): The Doctor's seemingly innocuous blue police box (from the long running British television show, Dr. Who) is, in reality, one of the most versatile space vecicles in all of science fiction.

#6) Battlestar Galactica: I like the Galactica from the current series on the Sci-Fi network better than the one from the 1979 show. This old war-horse has tons of personality and really feels like an aircraft carrier in space.

#7) Babylon 5: I know. I know. Technically this is a space station and not a space ship, but it was the location of much intrigue and adventure on the television series of the same name, so it goes on my list.

#8) the Nebuchadnezzar: Morpheus's awesome ship from the Matrix trilogy is really more dedicated to exploring inner-space than outer-space, but that's what gives it it's charm.

#9) the Nostromo: This space mining cargo ship from Alien was dark and creepy and the perfect location for the title creature to creep around in. A true "haunted house" in space.

#10)the Vanguard: This rocket ship from Lance Proton & the Space Battalion of Justice first appeared on the Sterling Radio Showcase. You've got to love a ship that runs on vacuum tubes and sprockets.

Internet Survey

This is one of those silly internet surveys which was sent to me by a friend. I liked this one because it wasn't too long...

Four jobs you have had in your life:

1. Comic Shop Manager for Captain Blue Hen Comics in Lancaster, PA
2. Summer Camp Counselor/Arts & Crafts Director at Hebron Camp
3. Concession Stand Sales at Hoyts Cinemas in Saratoga, NY
4. Atmosphere Performer at Disney's MGM Studios in Orlando, FL

Four movies you would watch over and over:

(Only four? Alright, off the top of my head...)
1. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (That's like one big super-movie)
2. The Indiana Jones Trilogy (same as above)
3. King Kong (1933)
4. Spider-Man/Spider-Man 2 (another "super-film")


Four places you have lived:

1. Lake Luzerne, NY
2. Smithville, TX
3. Chester, England
4. Gulfport, FL

Four TV shows you love to watch:

1. Lost
2. Veronica Mars
3. Prison Break
4. Battlestar Galactica

Four places you have been on vacation:

1. London, England
2. Seattle, WA
3. Rome, Italy
4. Edinburgh, Scotland

Four websites I visit daily:

1. yahoo.com
2. aintitcool.com
3. comicbookresources.com
4. google.com

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Hot Dogs from New Way Lunch (A.K.A. Dirty Johns)
2. Pizza with lots of meat & extra cheese
3. New York Cheese Cake
4. A really good Steak

Four great books I would recommend to a friend:

1. The Princess Bride by William Goldman
2. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
3. Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
4. Jack of Shadows by Roger Zelazny


Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Gotham City
2. The Mars of Edgar Rice Burroughs
3. Marvel Comics' New York City
4. Starfleet headquarters in future San Francisco


Four people I am tagging that I think will respond.....

1. I
2. Have
3. No
4. Clue

The Liquid Clock & Other Haikus

The Liquid Clock

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His mind is swimming

Witness time slow to a crawl

Clock-Eye dreams of fish

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Green Monarch

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Trust the Lizard King

At his feet reptiles bow

Wisest of cold bloods

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Eternal Seeker

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The immortal walked

No one could fathom his truth

It begins anew

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Drago Slumbers

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Sleeping dragons lie

And remember times gone by

The ancient ways die

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Science v. Odin

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Dinosaurs return

Science strikes down the old gods

PANDEMONIUM!

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Cereal Saturdays

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Obscure cartoons rock

Watching Space Ghost on suger

"Thing ring do your thing"

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These haikus are copyrighted by John Michael Decker. Any publication or sale of this work without the authors express written permission is forbidden.

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"And I'd have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"

John Michael Decker

The Letter

So, it was one year ago today that I got into that car accident in Tampa, Florida that broke my arm. I was working at the Bay Area Renaissance Festival at the time. With no health insurance to speak of, it was quite a financial blow. It has been a year of struggle and frustration. A year when it seemed like every decision I made was wrong. A year of working at jobs which I find totally unfulfilling. I would be lying if I said that I haven't been fighting despair. And I've been asking myself, "Why have I wasted so many years working a Renaissance Festivals when I could have been seeking work that would benefit me more in the future?"

That accident did more than just break my arm. It reminded me of what a fragile thread we all hang on by. It caused me to question every decision I had ever made up to that point. What if I had been killed? What legacy would I have left? Did I make a difference in anyone's life? The fact that I'm going to be turning 40 this June has only served to compound my angst.

Then, the other day, I received an e-mail from a young man named Eirik Bjorkman. Eirik (that's the oldest known spelling of "Eric" in case you were wondering) is a talented young man who I helped direct in the Groundling Support Troupe my last two summers at the Sterling Renaissance Festival (2003 and 2004). I'll let the letter speak for itself...


Hello Johnny- D!!

Greetings from Eirik land! I was just sitting about thinking about that day 2 years ago, at the ren faire, when all the young kids were pushing your legs and arms down and laughing. Damn, a touching moment! So that inspired me to write this email. How are you doing? Any plans for the future?

I am looking at colleges, finishing up my senior year, our school play is in 4 weeks, and i have the male lead! Hooray! I directed and had the lead role in my senior project, we did "The Bald Seprano". It went very well, I learned a lot and had a lot of fun. I finally found an amazing girlfriend, who happened to be a groundling this past year. She was the one in the bright blue dress, if you remember. So that is very good for me.

I wanted to send this email cuz I haven't been very good at keeping in touch for the past few years, taking for granted that I'd always be seeing everyone again. Butthis year there is no groundlings, so i am making sure that the contacts that i want to keep are being kept. I miss you, you really did a lot for me in the two years that you helped me at the faire. Not only did you help open the door of acting for me, but you've done soooooo much more than that. You re-defined my idea of a good person. Your kind spirit and gentle charisma have really helped me in hard times, even the ones that you haven't been present for. I feel that i really need to thank you for that. You've been a great role model for me, and you still are a good influence on me! Stay cool, and stay funky fresh! I love you man!!!!Sending lots of hugs and love,

Eirik Bjorkman (aka Center Dateless, Raphael Dapifer, and Amias James Throckmorton)

That is way I waste my time with this theatre stuff and that is why I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. Thank you, Eirik. Your letter meant more to me than you could possibly know. I needed that.

--JMD

Ten More Flicks That Rock

Here is a list of ten more movies that I think of as classics. These are films that I could watch at any time. Flicks I would recommend to any of my friends. Of course, they all fall into the Sci-Fi/Action/Fantasy category, but that is just what I dig. Here is the list in no particular order...

TEN MORE FILMS THAT KICK-ASS!

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1) Highlander (1986): Christopher Lambert stars as Connor MacLeod, an immortal being who must fight others like himself throughout the centuries. Visually spectacular with some real pathos and a kick ass score by Queen. Also features Clancy Brown as MacLeod's psychotic nemesis, the Kurgan and the great Sean Connery as his mentor, Juan Ramirez. This is one of those movies that I thought was fairly cheesy the first time I saw it, but upon subsequent viewings, it just got better and better.

2) Alien (1979): Ridley Scott's "haunted house in space" film still holds up, even after all these years. Although not as intense as the sequel, Aliens, it is scarier and more claustrophobic. The Alien design by H.R. Giger is still one of the most original and creepy creations in cinematic history.

3) Near Dark (1987): This is my favorite vampire movie (even though, never once, is the v-word uttered in the script). Sadly, it didn't do as well at the box office as it could have because it came out at the same time as the inferior Lost Boys. It brilliantly captures the bon vivant that an immortal being must feel and places the action in a gritty, western setting. Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton and Jenette Goldstein (who played space marines Bishop, Hudson and Vasquez in Aliens) are excellent as Jesse, Severen and Diamondback, the three toughest vamps, and the soundtrack by Tangerine Dream is awesome.

4) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984): While many people disparage the second film of the Indiana Jones trilogy, I give Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Harrison Ford major props for taking the movie in a completely different direction than Raiders of the Lost Ark. This is an excellent, two-fisted adventure.

5) The Road Warrior (1982): This is the second film of Mel Gibson's Mad Max trilogy, and by far the best. In this one Gibson's anti-hero, Max must help a clan of survivors protect their precious oil from a gang of insane thugs in a post-apocalyptic future. Great violent fun.

6) Leon, The Professional (1994): This flick is an interesting fusion of a French art film and an American action movie. It also features a star making performance by a 12-year-old Natalie Portman. The love story between the girl and a foreign hit-man, Leon (played by Jean Reno) should be creepy, but instead it is strangely compelling.

7) Ladyhawke (1985): In this film directed by Richard Donner (the one who made us believe a man could fly), Rutger Hauer (as Captain Navarre) and Michelle Pfeiffer (as the Lady Isabeau) play two star-crossed lovers plagued by a terrible curse. They are damned to be always together, eternally apart--for as long as the sun rises and sets. As long as there is day and night. And for as long as they both shall live. Although Matthew Broderick's wisecracking thief, Gaston the Mouse and the soundtrack by Alan Parsons & Andrew Powell seem a little too modern for a story set almost 700 years in the past, this is still a highly enjoyable fantasy/adventure with heart.

8) Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982): Not only the best Star Trek film ever made, but arguably one of the best action movies of the 80s. It was so good that subsequent Star Trek flicks continually tried to copy it's formula, but none were as effective. It is also a great joy of mine to watch William Shatner's hero, Captain Kirk and Ricardo Montalban's villain, Kahn try to out scenery-chew one another.

9) Planet of the Apes (1968): Twilight Zone creator, Rod Serling, penned the screenplay for this brilliant social satire. Features some fantastic make up effects that hold up even by today's standards and some hilarious scenery-chewing by gun nut, Charlton Heston. "Get your filthy paws off me you damn, dirty apes!"

10) Blade Runner: the directors cut (1982): Visual stylist Ridley Scott outdoes himself with this futuristic film noir adaptation of Philip K. Dick's novella, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep. This is a thought provoking and substantive meditation on the nature of life, both natural and artificial.

John Michael Decker's Top Ten Films of 2005

Happy New Year, Everybody!

Well, you've been waiting for it all year and now here it is! My top 10 film list from two, double-aught, five. Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic. These are just my very biased opinions. Enough blather! Here is my list from 10 to 1:

#10) GEORGE A. ROMERO'S LAND OF THE DEAD: George A. Romero, the Orson Wells of zombie flicks, brings us another enjoyable (if disgusting) chapter in his epic zombie-world saga. In this one zombie fighters, who are hunkered down behind a walled city, must face political corruption on the inside and rapidly evolving undead forces on the outside. Oh, how I love the hell-feast of the damned!

#9) KUNG-FU HUSTLE: How best to describe this unique film? How about this; Bruce Lee style kung-fu action merged with loony tunes zaniness with a dash of Gene Kelly like choreography on crack. This film was one fun trip.

#8) HARRY POTTER & THE GOBLET OF FIRE: Although the films are never quite as charming as the Harry Potter books, this movie did a fantastic job of condensing J.K. Rowling's 734 page novel into an exciting, cohesive, little flick.

#7) THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE: I confess that I have never read any of C. S. Lewis's Narnia series, nonetheless I found this movie to be quite excellent on several levels with some of the best computer generated character's this side of a Peter Jackson film.

#6) WALLACE & GROMIT: THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT: I can not adequately describe how delightful I found this film going experience. From it's comedy of English manners to it's quaint claymation animation to the corking plot and off the wall characters, this was a joy from start to finish.

#5) HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS: This was basically the Romeo & Juliet story told within the context of a martial arts action masterpiece amidst some breathtakingly beautiful scenery.

#4) SERENITY: If you've never seen Joss Whedon's short-lived but brilliant television series, Firefly, than this science fiction western may not pack the emotional punch it should. But as a huge fan of Mr. Whedon's small screen work, I was blown away by his first big screen effort (the first movie to be both written and directed by Joss Whedon).

#3) FRANK MILLER'S SIN CITY: This is film noir, pulp fiction, and hard boiled action at it's best. Beautiful, lurid, shockingly stylized violence mixes with gorgeous dames, classic cars, and tough guys with hearts of gold. Look out for Mickey Rourke's bravura performance as Marv - a psychotic thug with a soft spot for dead hookers.

#2) BATMAN BEGINS: At long last, a live action Batman movie with real emotional depth that focuses more on the psychology of Bruce Wayne than on the Batman's freakish rogues gallery (as delightful as the bat-rogues are). This is a Gotham City one could truly believe is real. This is a film that understands it's comic book source material.

And the number one best film of 2005...

#1) KING KONG: Lord of the Rings director, Peter Jackson shows his love of the original 1933 King Kong with this beautiful re-make. This movie works extremely well as an action adventure, but it goes way beyond that. What really makes this new Kong click is the very palpable chemistry created between the characters of Ann Darrow (as played by Naomi Watts) and Kong himself (performed by Andy Serkis in a motion capture suit). It is not a sexual chemistry (that would be creepy) but more a love that develops between two beings who have lost everything and find connection in their mutual loneliness. Sure, it's cool to see a 25 foot silverback gorilla fight a pack of hungry t-rexes (who doesn't love a good monster fight?), but the real impact of this story is how the power of love is a double edged sword. We all know the positive aspects of the emotion, but this film points out how love can also consume and destroy like a fire.

So there you have it. Feel free to contact me and critique my choices.

See you at the movies.

Johnny D.

Holiday Greetings

Season's Beatings, Friends,

On this eve of Christmas Eve I just wanted to wish everyone an awesome Holiday season. But this Merry Christmas wish comes with a dire warning. There have been reports of some fat bastard squeezing down chimneys and rummaging through cupboards looking for half-eaten food stuffs. Some men call him... FATTY CLAWS!!! Dum! Di! Dum! Dum! (That was a dramatic music sting). I like to think of him as... DARK NICK!!! DAA DAA!!

Anywho, this deer abusing, soot covered, freak likes it when children sit on his lap and beg him for free merchandise. Then he gives them candy canes. Sick f@$ker! I wouldn't fool around if I were you. I recommend that you set up a bear trap in your fireplace. When the crimson intruder gets his size 11 clamped in good ol' stainless American steel, blast him in the face with a shot gun before he can gnaw through his leg and escape. I know this sounds harsh, but then you can take his magic bag filled with endless toys and use it to become the most powerful entity in your neighborhood.

Sweet, sweet power! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

Why, Santa? Why didn't I get that G.I. Joe with the Kung-Fu grip?

But I digress... Let's remember what this holiday is really about. It's not about some white-bearded, milk-guzzling, mutant who enslaves elves and forces them to make trinkets in his sub-zero Gulag til their fingers bleed. No. It's about the arrival of our saviour. A man we can all look up to as a shining example of what we can only aspire to be. I speak, of course, of Superman. I think that dead Kryptonian scientist, Jor-El, said it best...

"Even though you have been raised as a human being you are not one of them. They can be a great people, Kal-El, if they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good. I have sent them you, my only son."

Yeah. Superman is groovy (sigh). Big Love and Merry Christmas from your Uncle Johnny!

"And I'd have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"

Johnny D

Worst... Films... EVER!

It's a lot easier to make a "worst film" list than it is to make a "best film" list. So I have limited my list to movies that were not only bad, but that disappointed me deeply at some level. Films I expected better of (because of the directors or the actors or the concept), but which let me down. And so, without further ado, here is my list of the worst, most disappointing films I have ever seen...

WORST MOVIES EVER MADE

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1) The Passion of the Christ (2004): In making this film, Mel Gibson's assertion seems to be that we are all responsible for the death of Christ, so we should all be punished by watching a nice guy horribly tortured for nearly three hours. Excellent production values can't save this, ugly, vile film which is filled with lurid violence and raciest undertones. For a far superior movie about the life of Jesus Christ, I would recommend Martin Scorsese's controversial 1988 masterpiece, The Last Temptation of the Christ.

2) Batman & Robin (1997): This psychedelic dry-heave of a film brought to us by schlock director Joel Schumacher nearly killed the Bat-franchise and ended comic book movies forever. It also marked a steady decline in the quality of films starring action guru, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Loud, over-packed, over-acted and campy, this movie is devoid of any redeeming value and a slap in the face to fans of the Batman comic books.

3) Highlander II: The Quickening (1991): I loved the original Highlander which came out in 1986, so when I heard that actors Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery were teaming up with director Russell Mulcahy for a sequel, I was excited. When I got to the theater what I got was a convoluted mess that didn't even respect it's own established continuity. But you know what they say... "There can be only one... Good Highlander film."

4) Star Trek V: The Final Frontier/Star Trek: Nemesis (1989, 2002): These are, by far, the two most disappointing movies in the Star Trek canon. They both consisted of ridiculous plots, embarrassing character portrayals and juvenile humor that is, more often than not, at the expense of the characters the fans had grown to know and love.

5) Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999): Apparently George Lucas lost his copy of "Hero With 1,000 Faces" when he made this lackluster prequel to his original Star Wars trilogy. The archetypal character's of the first three films were replaced by boring, two-dimensional, stereotypes; the most insulting of which was the computer generated side-kick, Jar Jar Binks. This savagely annoying character wasted every frame of film he was in (nearly 88 minutes of the movie). On the plus side, this move does have some amazing lightsaber duels and boasts impressive special effects. It's just too bad they are wasted in such a loss of a film.

6) Cursed (2005): I enjoyed the Scream trilogy, and I love werewolves, so when I heard that Scream director Wes Craven and writer Kevin Williamson were re-teaming to make a werewolf flick, I thought that it would be a fun ride. Instead this was a stupid, insipid, waste of a movie with plot holes you could drive a truck through. The acting is bad. The special effects are bad. The writing is really bad. On a side note, two days after I saw Cursed, I got into a serious car accident and broke my arm. So, for me, this movie really was "cursed."

7) Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie (2000): I have played Dungeons & Dragons and I generally enjoy movies in the sword and sorcery genre, so I thought this film might be fun. By the end of the movie, I was left scratching my head and saying, "what the hell just happened?" What had happened was that I had lost about an hour and a half of my life I'll never get back.

8) Showgirls (1995): Who would have thought that a movie with this much gratuitous nudity could be so horrible? 'Nuff said.

9) Planet of the Apes (2001): Normally reliable director, Tim Burton missteps here with this awful re-make of the 1968 classic. Although the special effects are excellent and the acting is decent enough the plot just spirals into incomprehensible nonsense. What seems to have been lost on Burton was that the original Planet of the Apes was a brilliant social satire, not just an exploration of the weird for the sake of being weird.

10) Jersey Girl (2004): I am a huge fan of Kevin Smith and four of his original five films, so I was extremely disappointed to see him make this sappy pile of drivel with an ending that was apparent almost before the movie started running. Where are Jay and Silent Bob when you need them?